Crystal Montoya, Writer.

This blog is something that I both love and dread. Writing is something that I am both extremely passionate about and extremely afraid of. I have been writing long enough now to call myself a writer because I've decided - what is a writer if not someone who writes? Now, I guess since I've decided to start calling myself a writer, my goal has to be to work hard at it and become a successful writer. Success means something different for everyone, in my mind success will come when my words are well organized enough to be compiled into a book. If the book was well received and I was asked to actually go sign it for people, and people showed up to get it signed then I would feel like I have become a successful writer. Whether or not that happens, I am a writer. I think this is the first time that I have really looked at it this way. I think my husband has been waiting for this day. Crystal Montoya, writer.

Okay, now that I am a writer, I have to come to terms with being a writer. Many writers explain that they are very lonely. First, writing takes allot of time. The more I do it the easier it is but sometimes it's excruciating. Much of the time I spend is on trying to determine if my words, the ones I am about to permanently put into the world are going to harm anyone. Or offend them. I wonder how many people know what a hypocrite I am sometimes because I'll go off on a rant all the while doing something else that contributes to all that is wrong in the world. I am far from perfect in oh so many ways, yet I will so strongly berate other people for what I perceive their shortcomings to be. I have my hot button issues - I hope all of us do. I sincerely hope I am not the only person who while knowing her own extreme short comings can at the same time point their finger at others. We all do this, right? I do try to keep this hypocrisy to a minimum but sometimes I am just swept up and can't control my hands - they just type and Blah - there it is.

Another thing that happens is that things change. I may write something today that in a year from now, because of new information or a clearer understanding I no longer agree with. I am sure this body of words found here on my blog has strong contradictions throughout. At one point I was trying to convince all of you that a 100% raw and vegan diet was the absolute healthiest diet for all of mankind. I very strongly disagree with that statement now. I think we could all eat less meat, myself included, and that we could all eat more raw foods, myself included but I no longer feel that is the one and only diet approach to heal the body. It was very healing for me, while it was and then it wasn't. I need some good quality all natural animal proteins and some cooked foods to maintain optimal health. What you need is completely specific to you.

Not only do I worry about being offensive, hypocritical, contradictory, and inconsistent, I worry about the people involved in my experiences. My spouse, my relatives, my friends, the guy at the bank that had me so livid. The things I most enjoy writing about are my experiences, not technical stuff about food or vitamins. I honestly know just enough to be dangerous really. Oh, I know what I need to do to keep the health I have left, and I can tell you what you need to take or do to manage your health issue for the most part, or I can point you in the right direction to get the help you need but I am not a technical type. I don't want to be a reporter or researcher, I am a writer. You're not going to find many sources cited here. I am just sharing my opinions and how I experienced things. People experience things differently and where the people close to me come in, I feel very nervous about sharing my own personal experience about something we've gone through together because that person may have had an entirely different experience.

This whole collection of things has caused me to build a neat little box around myself, it has kept the things I have been willing to write somewhat mild and subdued. That's all right I guess, except the things I think are wild and outrageous. I'm a passionate little thing. I am the only person who experiences things the way I experience them - you experience your own stuff the way you experience it. Until a couple of months ago I wouldn't even curse on this blog - who the hell am I kidding? I have a poopy potty mouth.

It just is what it is. I am a writer so I am going to have to live with myself. Writers put it out there and say the things most people only say to their closest friends for anyone willing to read what they have to say. Especially writers who share their own personal journeys. They have to live with the consequences.

Two weeks ago I would have kept yesterday's post locked up and I wouldn't have allowed those words to escape out into the world for anyone to see. I would have saved it as a draft and kept it for myself. In a couple of months I would have gone back and read it and thought - geez it's a good thing I didn't post that. How much more abrasive could I have been? Instead I did post it and three people were touched enough to comment in a positive way, one of them was the nutty skinny bitch herself, Susan Powter. Neat!

I said some really offensive shit. I didn't really mean much of it - the stuff where I blamed the average person who is just trying to get through life - stopping off to get their Big Mac for absolutely every problem on the face of the planet. I experienced a culmination of things regarding the food industry and the people who are suffering with chronic health issues because they are trapped in the nasty little trap that the food industry has set so seamlessly in place for them. As I said before, I am a passionate little thing. When I get that livid and furious I simply have to sit down and write it out. It's off the cuff, it's poorly thought out and unstructured. Some people feel that's what makes it interesting to read - if it even is interesting to read. Some people take it personally and I really don't mean to be that personal. I just wanted to get a point across.

I am going to start posting it when I just feel no other option but to sit down and write it out. I look at this blog as practice for the big book. By the way, I still don't know what this book looks like. What I do know is that I am going to have to be brave in order to become the successful writer I want to be. I am going to have to hurt some people, not because I am evil and find joy in hurting people, I certainly don't. I am no better than any one else. I have my demons and I am actually sort of thankful that none of the people who know me really well have aspirations to become a successful writer. Writing is just something that I have to do and I can't do it effectively from a neat little box. Sometimes I'm going to write something that even I won't entirely agree with later on.

I'm just going to write. Well, actually I do a bit more writing than you see, I'm just going to post and I hope people will understand that I am sometimes hypocritical, contradictory, selfish, and inconsistent. Aren't all of us? For some reason I have this force pushing me to put all of that into words and share it with the world. I don't want to contain it anymore. It's never personal. Really.