Crystal Montoya

My Animals

I know I go on and on too often about how much I love these animals but I just can't help it. They are hilarious! Sometimes really annoying but normally hilarious. 

As I was watching them; the two dogs and the fearless kitten outside this morning for their "we just woke up and it's another glorious day" celebration it occurred to me, yet again, that these guys really know how to live. For them, everyday is a brand new opportunity for mischief, fun, and most importantly the chance to share their love.  

My larger dog, Sierra takes awhile to warm up to others. She wants to be certain the newcomer is an accepted member of the pack before she lets her guard down. She has been tolerant of, but not overly affectionate towards the new kitten, Frijole, since I brought him home about 9 months ago.

Fleck, the other dog fell instantly in love with the kitten though so the kitten hasn't really noticed that Sierra looks at him with distrust and suspicion. Frijole is happy to mostly avoid Sierra as he has Fleck to torture and when that fails, he can always go after the little old lady cat, Princess, who is 16 years old and now lives in constant fear of being attacked. Okay, so maybe Frijole isn't the best example of how to live but I think Sierra may be.

We should all be a little weary of strangers, making sure they mean no harm before allowing them into our life. Once someone has earned our trust, we should give it completely and then find ways to let them know they are an accepted member of our pack. Then we can proceed with having fun and celebrating life.

I think Frijole finally found a place in Sierra's heart. Frijole likes to dig a hole in the yard outside to pee in and then he covers it up. This is doing wonders for the grass that Dick is trying to grow. Anyway, this morning Sierra sniffed out one of Frijole's makeshift toilets; she took a big sniff of it and then walked over to Frijole. 

Frijole is pretty fearless but Sierra is a big dog, especially compared to him, so while he held his ground as she approached, he did have a look of apprehension on his face as she got nearer. Sierra simply walked up to him and gave him one huge lick starting from his nose and ending on the top of his neck.

Sierra walked away and I did too, with the knowledge that Sierra has fully accepted Frijole as one of our own. For her, there is no higher compliment than a big, wet, lickery, kiss.

Why I Dropped Out of School and You Shouldn't; The Fifth Grade.

My first day of school in the fifth grade was the last time I ever got  excited about going to school. Prior to the fifth grade I thought school ruled. I was always the smartest kid in the class - I was the smartest kid in my fifth grade class too but it didn't matter. In grades K-4 I was the kid the teacher called on to help others. I was always the first one done with the stupid little assignments and I could spend the majority of my classroom time on the extra credit little reading program that was in the back of the class - I think it was called SRA. It was a few boxes of short stories that got progressively harder one box to the next. The rule was you had to finish everything in the first box before you could move onto the next. My goal was to finish all the boxes before the end of the year.  After you finished a story, you had a little quiz to take to see how well you comprehended and retained what you read. I loved this program and couldn't wait till I finished my math or other work so I could immerse myself in fiction. Even though I rushed through all of my other work it was always perfect or close to it. It was just easy to me.

I remember one time in the fourth grade, I think it was the moment where I realized not all people are endowed with the same amount of brain power; the class was working on a math problem and the teacher asked me to go up to the board and work it out. I think we were just starting to add more than two numbers together so the problem was something like 39+7+12=  so I went up to the board and wrote it out like this 39+12+7= except I put each number on top of the other like you do when you do a math problem. I could see it would be easier if I cleaned up the way it looked and put the only single digit on the bottom - less space in there to clutter the brain - I don't know. So I wrote the numbers on the board in the order that I saw fit and almost all of my classmates started telling me I wrote it wrong. This initiated a whole discussion with the teacher and the class about how it doesn't matter in which order you write out the numbers that you want to add together. Seriously, she had to show the class all of the ways that this problem could be written and that it would always add up the same. While this discussion was taking place I was bored out of my mind and wondering how long before I would beat all the other kids to the SRA.

It was almost like I already knew everything they taught during the first five years of school, I simply needed a quick reminder and I had it down. I did not need to work at or study anything except spelling. I still suck at spelling even though I spent many an hour during my childhood engulfed in spelling. Sometimes I think our language is just too complicated with too many rules that do not always apply to adhere to but then when I get a note these days from someone who is under the age of 18, I normally cringe at how they've taken the language and cheapened it, ignoring all rules of grammar and spelling, not just an occasional one. My spelling became my stepmother's mission. I think she had nothing else to use to instill hard work and structure into me because I excelled at all of the other subjects. Every Monday I would come home with the list of dreaded spelling words and Brenda would give me a mock test. The words I missed, I would have to write out 25 times and then she would give me another mock test. Believe it or not there were actually times where, even after I had just written the word 25 times, I would still get it wrong. These were bad nights for me. As an adult looking back, I don't know how it's possible that I could have written a word 25 times and then immediately after that spelled it incorrectly. My mind was in my books I think and not sitting at the table writing words. Concentration on something like this for me was brutal, concentrating on something I have absolutely no concern about is still very difficult for me. Go figure.

My Heart Goes Out

Today a 21 year old, pregnant woman's car broke down on the 805 freeway near Downtown San Diego. As she waited with two others for a tow truck to arrive, a 30 year old, drunken man named Joseph Venegas hit the 21 year old woman and killed her and her unborn child. The two people that were with the woman were injured and had to be rushed to the hospital. My heart goes out to this family on a day that is suppose to represent fresh starts and new beginnings.

Joseph Venegas will be arrested on suspicion of felony drunk driving. What I don't understand is why Mr. Venegas was driving in the first place. With so many options available to us, why would anyone, in this day and age ever decide to risk the lives of their fellow citizens and operate a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol. I am sure Mr. Venegas will spend a considerable amount of time asking himself this very question in the months to come. He will have to live with the fact that he took these innocent lives and has caused so much pain for the family of the 21 year old woman.

Nothing to it

I sort of have this "get out of  jail free" or "give me a break" card that I go back and forth on how I feel about using. All I have to say is "I have survived two cancers" and people pause and typically decide to give me a break. Just the other day, I missed a medical bill among all of the medical bills I get. Insurance reimbursements and medical bills and explanations of benefits all start to blend together after awhile. You have to be diligent in matching things up or you'll miss stuff. I'm not the most organized bee in the hive. 

Maybe if you just go in for your annual checkup you don't experience this pile up of insurance brain damage but when you are cured of an Immature Teratoma, in remission from Myelodysplasia, and currently have Lymphedema, Sciatica, COPD, Celiac, Eczema, Migraines, and a possible urinary tract infection the bills sort of pour in.  So sue me - I missed one. Well, they weren't going to sue me but they were going to send me to collections so I called and explained how difficult it is for me to keep track of it all. I told the girl how I have survived two cancers and it's just so hard for me now to focus on this stuff...She was incredibly helpful. She couldn't actually help me - I had to get it cleared up through the collection company but it got cleared up. This girl called me back a couple of hours later though because she really wanted to help me. She felt moved enough by the simple fact that I have had some serious struggles that she wanted to do everything she could to help me. She still couldn't do anything but she really tried and expressed great relief when I told her the collection company was also extremely helpful. Wow. Try and get that sort of experience without the cancer card.  

Some people though...some people will accuse you of lying about something like this just to get a break, others will... well, that's another thought completely. I was trying to tell you about this little tool I now have that I did not used to have. It has made my life easier; people generally have compassion and I've had cancer - twice, unlike 80% of the population so 80% - well you have to assume 20% are assholes so that leaves 60% - so... 60% are going to empathize and show compassion. Not horrible odds.  That number by the way, came right out of my ass - I have no idea what the number is. It's getting bigger though, cancer is still on the rise - even with all the millions and millions and millions of dollars that have gone into it. Suzanne Summers and I and many others have been trying to tell you it don't cost that much but you just won't listen. Again, getting off track here. Cancer is going to surpass Heart Disease as the #1 killer in America. So pretty soon, my sob story may not be so special.    

The Treadmill Incident; A Social Experiment

Yesterday I took a little tumble in my back yard. I tripped over a 2 foot fence because my pant leg got caught on the fence as I was trying to step over it. It's just a little makeshift, temporary fence that was supposed to keep a certain dog out of the area where I am attempting to grow some grass for said dog. I personally hate grass growers in San Diego - all you people with your vast, expansive lawns should be ashamed of yourselves - I'm just kidding. But if I didn't have dogs, I wouldn't grow grass. I'm attempting a small square of grass because I do have dogs and they love grass, and if there is no grass - they have dirt and they bring that dirt in the house with them on their grubby little paws and in their grubby little noses. 

As I was headed over this fence to evaluate my first, failed attempt at this grass and it became apparent that I was about to bite the dust, I remembered the treadmill incident. I wondered on my way down "If I hurt myself badly when I hit the dirt, am I going to be able to get one of my many neighbors to respond to my cries for help?" I even had enough time to conclude that I would be lying in my back yard with my broken ankle crying until the cows or Dickie comes home because chances are my neighbors are not going to be willing to help me. Luckily I only jarred my wrist and hip, the hip that was already hurting because my sciatica has flared up but I was not injured badly. I got up and walked it off. Thank goodness because I'm telling you; people will not come to your rescue when you need them - well 99% of people won't anyway.

I know this to be an absolute fact because a few years ago I did need help from one of the many, many people that constantly walk past my house. I live in an urban setting - there are stores, a pizza parlor, a coffee shop, a pawn shop, and several other businesses within a short distance of my home. People walk right past my house on their way to these establishments in a constant flow - every couple of minutes someone walks past my house. It's a bustling little community. You would think this is where you would want to be if you have an emergency and need a helping hand. Not so. I now think you have a better chance of getting help in the middle of nowhere than in the middle of a bustling community of people.

More Fun Ways to Spend Our Time Together

Dick and I recently purchased a second home. A small, mobile, second home that we can take with us on our road trips so we don't have to pay extra for having dogs at hotels that won't even allow you leave your dog in the room while you go out to eat. Our vacations always consist of road trips because we take our dogs with us everywhere. Our new home is called a TAB which stands for Taking America Back. I love it. It has a stove, a sink, a refrigerator, and a table with a U shaped bench seat that converts to a queen size bed. It has heat and A/C...really, what more do you need? It's like a deluxe, mobile, hotel room. It even has a port o' potty - for emergencies.

The only concerns we've had so far are getting it insured and registered. I won't even tell you about the insurance nightmare but if you want an idea you could go read one of my previous posts, entitled Come Out From Under That Rock Already.  We bought our TAB in Arizona because that was the only place we could find one and we brought it home with the temporary tag that was suppose to be good for 90 days. 

I called the DMV here in California which includes both driver's licenses and registrations in one place, unlike some states where they are in separate locations. I'm just telling you this because some of you may not have experienced the licensing/registration powerhouse that exists in California and some other states. My home state of Washington has its issues but I always felt it was easier there because the office you were in was half the size of the ones in California. The employees only had to expend enough brain power to get people through one specific variety of concerns: either driver's licenses OR registrations because really, aren't we asking a little too much of people when we expect they can handle both of these "services"?

I called and made an appointment to get our TAB registered and the first available appointment was four and a half weeks later. That's efficiency for you. I was informed that we would have to bring TAB with us so now this has really become an event because even though it's small and easy to maneuver, I am certainly not going to be the one to hook it up and drive it through town. So the appointment is set and Dick and I will both be taking time out of our lives to register the thing together. I can think of more fun ways to spend our time together, like pulling weeds or poking each other's eyes out, but instead, we had to go to the DMV.

Here's to Kim

There is a saying that goes something like: "People come into your life for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I guess reason people show up to help you out with something, or so you can help them with something. Something immediate and then that person leaves as quickly as they come. Season people are there to teach you something or so you can teach them. They'll be around for a little while but the relationship will just naturally run it's course once the season you or they need help with passes. 

It's the lifetime people that I am thinking of this morning. These are the true blue, by your side, through thick and thin kind of relationships. Parents normally fall into this category, sometimes a mentor will stay in your life always and if you're really lucky you may find a few lifetime friends. 

I recently listened to part of an audio book by Caroline Myss called Sacred Contracts. She suggests that all of this is completely premeditated and arranged before you are even born. She suggests that all of the major relationships and experiences you have in life have been discussed and decided upon by your soul. Something like all the souls that are ready to go to Earth get together and talk about what they need to learn in this life and what they are able to teach. 

One will ask to be available to help see someone through a difficult situation and another will say "I will go through that struggle for you so you can be available to help me." Adoption is probably a good example, here you have two sets of people, one who cannot have a child that they desperately want and another cannot give the child they are about to have all of the things they will need in life. According to Myss; this has all been prearranged and determined, there were things the souls involved needed to experience, they agreed to have that experience together and this is how it materialized. It's up to us to fulfill these contracts when we get here and you have to make the correct choices in life in order to be where you need to be to fulfill your contracts. Myss claims we don't remember any of these agreements that we made because we go through a complete cleansing of our memories of these agreements before we get here. 

I don't know if Myss is right or not but I hope she is. I like this entire concept and think it helps explain  why I've had some of the struggles I have. My soul needed to learn about these particular struggles, and hopefully my soul had a goal of helping to teach others something in the process. I am guessing some people are completely turned off by this concept as it is too new agey for them. Some people might even feel it is blasphemy. I plan to listen to the rest of the book. 

One of my lifetime people is my friend Kim. She called me on the phone at one of the apartment complexes I managed asking if I needed a maintenance supervisor. I actually did need one so she explained to me that I was going to give this job to her husband and she was right, I did give the job to her husband. At the time I thought Kim was a reason person - the reason she entered my life was to give me the most talented maintenance supervisor I have ever worked with. Thank you very much.

Kim and Sonny moved from Las Vegas to the apartment building in Seattle and they hit the place like a tornado. Within the first week Sonny was rewiring all of the fifty year old electrical panels and resurfacing the pool but I had better not even think about asking him to work more than five minutes of overtime, he would explain "My wife expects me home on time and I ain't gonna piss 'er off." Well, okey dokey then. If I had never met Kim, Sonny  would have had me believing she walked around with a whip within easy reach at all times, just ready to pounce if Sonny got out of line. For the first week or two, it's all I heard from him: "My wife ain't gonna be happy if my check ain't right." or "My wife ain't gonna be happy if I gotta go on a lot of after hours calls." 

Sonny just painted his wife as a wicked witch because it was a convenient way to get out of working overtime, it was easier to quote her to make sure his check was correct then to tell me that he is the one that is anxious about it. Sonny was hoping there would not be many after hours calls, Kim could really care less. I met Kim when I had to take something up to their apartment a week or so after they moved in. When she opened the door, her apartment had already been painted so at first I was looking beyond her at the Harley Davidson orange walls with tufts of white sponge paint pressed over it. It looked good. Kim looked at me and she gushed "Oh, you're so cute!" It wouldn't be until years later that I would understand the translation of that, which was "I hate you, you scrawny little bitch."

A Father's Love

There really is no way to describe a father's love for his daughter, if it is anything like a daughter's love for her father then I can assure you it runs deep. This is assuming you are lucky enough to have experienced this phenomenon. Some of you were not and I really feel blessed that I was lucky enough to get a dad who loves me. Even if that love means an embarrassing and uncomfortable course of events sometimes. Even if that practically guarantees an embarrassing and uncomfortable course of events most of the time when Dad is near. He simply can't contain his admiration and I feel exactly the same way towards him. 

Some times are better than others to profess and explain your feelings and I think my Dad could have chosen a more tactful approach than what he did on the evening I am going to tell you about. A couple of things are certain; I will never doubt that the man loves me and I will never forget the way he illustrated this love for me on this particular evening. 

I moved back home with my dad when I was twenty five years old. He only wanted four hundred dollars a month for rent and what was he going to do if I didn't pay it? Evict me? Never. Not only was the rent cheap but his house is home and he makes a good roommate. There were none of the concerns that some daughters may have, all of that stuff about curfews and having to explain where you have been...it wasn't like that with dad. He knew I was an adult and he treated me as such. It was all great.

As often happens with roommates though, there were times when my schedule disturbed his and there were also times when his schedule put a cramp in mine. One of the issues was that Dad did not have to work on Mondays and I did. Sunday was a perfect night to go have a good time, unwind, and drink alcohol. It was for Dad anyway. For me Sunday night meant an early, mostly sober night because I had to start my week on Monday. 

I got home this particular Sunday evening after having hiked for a better part of the day. It had been a long weekend of camping and hiking with friends and I was exhausted. I have to admit that I was happy Dad was not at home when I got there because I just wanted to unwind a little bit, maybe have a bath, and then go to bed. One of the highlights of my camping trip was a small bakery that we visited in a little town on our way home. It was just a little place, one of those places that's been a landmark in between a couple of little towns with the same recipes for a hundred years. The pastries, cookies, and other delights were incredible. They were so good that I became certain that I would never stumble upon such an incredible pastry again in my entire life. Mind blowing good. The only choice I had was to purchase more of these pastries so I could enjoy them for days to come at home. I bought three dozen assorted delights and they were safe on the kitchen counter when I went upstairs to take my bath and go to bed. 

I was in bed by ten and got several hours of that good kind of sleep, the kind that comes after you've been physically active for most of the day, you're completely exhausted and you simply drift into a deep and restorative sleep. Just after two o'clock I heard the car pull up and I remember the dread that washed over me. I was tired and I think I was ill-prepared for a meeting that was scheduled at work the following day. I wanted to continue with my sleep. I knew the best case scenario was that I was about to be forced to listen to either War (Low. Ry. Dur.) or BB King at an unreasonable volume, but maybe he wouldn't actually come in to my room to further annoy me. I was holding out hope but I also knew that I didn't know what the worst case scenario would be. If you know my dad, you know anything can happen. As I continued to be pulled out of my blissful sleep by the sounds of the patio door and then the kitchen door that leads into the house I started to hear voices. Shit. Visitors? Now I'm wide awake and praying: "Dear God, I'm sorry for all of the horrible things I've done, I'm sorry I left that cigarette butt on the ground three days ago but there wasn't a garbage can to be found - anywhere! I promise I will never ever do that again, no matter what, just please, please keep them - whoever they are out of my room. Thank you. I love you. Amen." 

Nothing Sweeter

There is just nothing sweeter in life than having puppies and kittens. Well, okay I guess a bouncing actual human baby would be very sweet too but bear with me because I am childless. When I say it like that you may feel bad for me "Oh that poor childless woman" you may be thinking, but I'm perfectly okay with being a master to a bunch of fur balls so don't worry about it. In my mind the only thing worse than not having a baby is actually having a baby. Someone told me I was not a nice person yesterday and after reading that last line, maybe she was right but I do actually feel that way.  A baby would mean a drastic overhaul to our lives while a puppy or a kitten only means a slight shift. Babies grow up and expect to be educated and want a car when they turn 16. Animals grow up and expect that you continue to feed them. When a dog turns 16 they may need a wagon to get around, as they will be old and frail, but you don't have to worry that they are text messaging while driving that wagon down the freeway with three friends in the car. I am completely appreciative of all you sweet Mommas out there trying to raise good kids. I've discovered that I don't want any part of it. I've written about this before, motherhood and adoption or foster care and I got good feedback "Oh you should definitely be a mom - even if your intense attitude towards food and chemical toxicity would likely damage them for life."  Well we discovered that we're too old and not healthy enough to qualify for an adoption and Dickie is really nervous about fostering - for valid reasons. Don't even suggest that I actually give birth to a person; that's something I've never seriously considered even before my health problems, now it's just too risky. 

It's for the best, with all of these animals to take care of I can't imagine I would have time for a baby and honestly when I consider the amount of work and heartache that would come along with motherhood, I realize that it is clearly something that other people should do. This attitude could have something to do with the diapers I changed recently for a friend's baby - whew. I can just hear the ideas going through some of the heads of you mommas out there - the ones who would not feel fulfilled or happy without being a mommy. You're thinking if it was my own baby the diaper wouldn't bother me. You're thinking I simply cannot know what I'm missing because I am not a mom. Some women are just down right offended that I have made this decision - that I don't want children. I mean no offense and I believe motherhood is the most important job in America, I respect those of you who dedicate your life to your children and I respectfully choose to leave it up to you. Don't worry, I am actually fulfilled in life, perfectly happy and free as a bird - well free as a married bird - don't worry honey, this bird mates for life. I can still hear you Mommas, you're thinking  "She just doesn't know what she's missing and that's why she thinks she's happy with no children."  Well whatever.  I'll never be able to convince you that I don't need a child to complete my life. 

If it is any consolation to you, getting a baby dog is a lot like a human baby at first. You have the
 crying at night, the feedings, the poo poos - heck with a dog, you never stop having to pick up their poop - at least with a kid, eventually they'll manage all of that all by themselves like a big boy or girl. Our dog Fleck is the same age as one of my friend's daughters and they actually were extremely alike throughout their first 18 months. My friend would tell me how her baby was going through a paper chewing phase and I would say "oh my goodness, I know, so is Fleck!" Then there was the crying phase at first - they both went through it. Later on they both developed a wart at the same time, they had fun comparing them, or maybe it was just my friend and I who had fun comparing them. Just the other day I was telling my friend that Fleck has entered into a digging phase and of course I heard all about how the baby was doing the same thing. Now talking is the next milestone, Fleck may surprise me one day, we'll be cuddling on the couch together and he'll look at me and say "Momma." I'll immediately put an ad in the paper for a free talking dog because I'll be certain he will start demanding an education and expect a car when he turns 3 (that's 21 in dogs years). No thank you.  

My animals bring so much entertainment to my life. It's like having a little personal, comedic circus in my house. In the mornings Frijole is the first one raring to go. He's the kitten and he wants to go outside to hunt for bugs. Once I let him out he creeps ever so slowly towards the little grassy strip I've managed to grow in search of his prey. Once he gets close his bug flies away and then Frijole leaps into the air to catch it. He's a world class jumper. Then Sierra rouses and goes outside for her morning pee and sniff. She smells everything to make sure nothing has changed, I'll see her come upon a scent of something, maybe a squirrel and she'll linger for a moment, I can see the longing in her eyes, her ultimate goal her entire life has been to eat a squirrel. She'll realize the scent is old and the squirrel has gone away so she'll lay down, doing her signature turn around three times before she finally settles and she'll watch Frijole fly though the air for awhile. About 20 minute later Fleck will show up, he'll have decided that we're all too rude and too noisy for him to continue to sleep in. He likes to sleep in and he despises mornings. He always looks like he's hung over and still half drunk when he gets up, he wobbles by, stretches out, shakes his body and licks his lips. He'll slowly make his way outside pausing for another little stretch on the stairs on his way out and then he'll go lay down in the back yard and watch Frijole too. At some point Frijole's hunting expedition will be too much for Fleck, the jumping and running will infect Fleck and he'll just have to join in. Frijole will be moving in, ever so stealthily on a poor unsuspecting bug and then suddenly Fleck will blow it and pounce on Frijole. Frijole will get pissed and smack Fleck a couple of times with his south paw and Fleck will retreat. Eventually they'll all end up just laying around and I'll think what a bunch of moochers - if I actually had kids at least I could put them to work!

Plants

I lived in apartments for a period of about twelve years between my late teens and late twenties. They were always decent apartments. I managed the apartment complexes and lived where I worked. Living in apartments is different than living in a house. For one thing the exterior landscape is managed and maintained for you. You never have to mow your own lawn - or grow a lawn to mow for that matter. The landscaping comes along with your luxury apartment.  Luxury apartment - give me break. What is so luxurious about renting an apartment? Luxury was about the best we could do in the way of a description because it's a vague description. Something along the lines of saying a big mac is tasty. You can't advertise that an apartment community is quiet or safe. Even if it is quiet and safe compared to other apartment complexes. The words quiet and safe will get you sued if you use them in advertising so you have to come up with something meaningless like luxury.

Apartment living is not really what I would consider to be luxurious and as an average human, I don't really expect the place I live to be luxurious. I suddenly realize how stupid it sounds and I can't believe now, looking back, how often I used the word luxury to describe your basic apartment complex. Because really, the word luxury conjures up images of Swedish massages, Lamborghini's, and fine champagne,not a basic apartment that probably has at least one stain in the carpet from the previous occupant. We did have dishwashers and washer and dryers so maybe that's what we were thinking qualified as luxurious. Or maybe just the fact that you don't have to do your own yard work is the luxury we were promising. That could be it because I am now realizing that it would be a luxury to have landscapers taking care of my property.

While I lived in apartments I kept indoor plants. I kept at least 15 and sometimes up to 30 of them the entire time I lived in apartments. I didn't just live in the same apartment for the entire time either, I must have lived in 11 different apartments. I moved all of my plants with me everywhere I went. They were my pets during those years. They were gorgeous specimens too.  There was the 7 foot palm tree I got when I was 21. My ex-boyfriend traded a joint for it when I tried to break up with him for not getting me anything for my birthday.  I was suppose to be impressed that he gave up a joint, I was impressed by the magnificent tree, some kind of palm - I couldn't believe he got it for just a joint. His name was Fred - the tree not the ex-boyfriend. Fred long outlived that relationship. There was the Ivy that I got from Brenda when I was 15 years old, her name was Ivy and she was sculpted and groomed to surround the walls in a corner - whichever corner she ended up in after the moves. Sometimes her long vines were intertwined amongst the shelves surrounding all of the other plant pots. There was the Pregnant onion, her name was Momma and I loved her so. She looked like an onion bulb stuck it the dirt with long half inch wide green blades coming out the top. She would get pregnant and carry a little baby in her bulb until it was ready to enter the world and then Momma would drop her baby in the dirt and the baby would grow up and become a Momma. I wonder if any of the people I gave babies too still have them.

My plants were how I would relax and unwind. I really did care for them and they were gorgeous. Not everyone thought so though, Hannah simply couldn't understand why I wanted all of these plants cluttering up my living space. I imagine it's how she would feel now about my actual living pets. My close friends who have known me since I was in my early twenties know I am telling the absolute truth about all of these living, thriving, healthy plants. They can attest that I am not creating a piece of fiction here but I don't know if you could convince my husband that I'm not doing exactly that, after all he has been encouraging me to write more fictitious stories. 

Something happened between Washington and California. I don't know how or why but I completely lost all ability to keep a plant alive in San Diego. I actually have become a ruthless plant murderer since I got here. I brought Fred, Ivy, Momma, and a few others down here with me and they promptly died, with the only exception being a spindly little aloe plant that is still hanging on. I was heartbroken about the deaths of the others but I didn't think the problem was me - I thought it was the twelve hundred and twenty five miles that they had endured in the back of a U-haul or the extreme change in climate, nothing to do with my skills as a plant keeper. I have purchased a number of plants since then, plants from local nurseries, plants that are suppose to thrive in San Diego. I've murdered every last one of them. I tried again when I bought a woman's entire collection of house plants at a yard sale. There were 6 or 8 plants ranging in size and shapes, a nice little collection. All dead now. I don't know why I can't seem to manage to nurture inside plants anymore. I was really sick for awhile so maybe I was just out of tune with nature, working on nurturing myself. Wow if the plants had it that bad, I wonder how my husband must have felt during that time. 

When I moved to San Diego I moved into a house with a yard. This was my first opportunity maintain my own yard. Of course I fully thought that Dick and I would be maintaining it together but as soon as I decided that it was food and not lawn that I wanted to grow he stepped back. I think he knew how different outdoor gardening is from indoor gardening. If it was just a little lawn, I think I could count on him to keep it mowed, maybe. I did not choose to grow a lawn as my first attempt at outdoor landscaping though, I chose to grow food.  My stance was that it should be illegal to grow vast, expansive lawns in San Diego - it's a freakin' desert people. So I did grow some food. I set it up all wrong and wasted a lot of energy in the process but I ended up with some good stuff. We had a bunch of lettuces and greens, we had radishes, tomatoes, snap peas, zucchini, cucumbers and even managed to grow a small pumpkin that the puppy played with for weeks. I tried blackberries of course and lost. My watermelon showed some early signs of promise but never got bigger than a large grapefruit. It was a really rewarding endeavor and I kept it up for a couple of seasons. 

An outdoor vegetable garden is more labor focused than just keeping indoor plants. It can be back breaking work, which is why I think my husband wisely chose to have no part in it, or at least as little involvement as possible. I learned when I was eighteen years old and painted four hundred units worth of exterior stairwells that I was not cut out for heavy labor or even run of the mill labor. After my couple of amateur yet surprisingly fruitful seasons I started to lose enthusiasm about the whole thing. It was a lot of work. I started working at Whole Foods and that took some of my energy stores and it also gave me a 20% discount on groceries so suddenly the prices for organic foods looked reasonable. We also got a new puppy and found that he was extremely capable of crawling under the little makeshift fence surrounding the garden and the first thing he did when he reached the lettuce was squat and mark it as his own. This and watching the airplanes with the smoggy trail that followed them fly directly over our house and garden all added up to no more garden. 

I had a job to go to now, a puppy to train, I was in school at the time and I was cooking, cleaning, and trying to manage my newest lovely health condition, lymphedema. The entire back yard was turned back over to it's rightful owners; the dogs.  I just gave up on growing anything. We've got a bunch of dirt and have had for too long. This dirt gets blown around by the breeze, tracked in by the animals, and brought in on our feet. It is impossible to keep my home clean. So, reluctantly I decided to grow some grass. 

I'm justifying my crime because it's only a small area, we do have dogs that benefit from the grass, and we chose a drought resistant variety. My dad is happy I've finally come to my senses, he thought the food not lawn idea was stupid. I am planning to grow some food but I'm thinking about things like artichokes, citrus trees, rosemary and other things that don't needed to be turned over but just grow and grow year after year. Dick planted the grass seeds and we set the sprinkler on a timer before went on vacation. We fully expected a lush green lawn when we came home 3 weeks later. What we got was sporadic grass and weeds. At this point I don't care what grows over the dirt as long as it is not fox tails and burrs. I can live with some weeds. I've been letting everything grow as it wants and among the grass and weeds, 3 cherry tomato plants, a zucchini, a cucumber, and a pumpkin have popped up. Imagine these lonely little seeds hiding out in our dirt for the last year and a half, just waiting for a little water and encouragement. They survived the dogs and the hungry birds, just biding their time until they could get a little drink. I had no idea they were there but now that they are I can't bring myself to murder them and replace them with grass. They were and have remained effortless, They remind me of Fred, Ivy, and Momma. I just don't feel it would be right to intentionally kill them and I can't bring myself to do it.

So if you're my neighbor and you're wondering why in the hell I've been watering this sporadic collection of weeds, grasses and foods at least now you have the history. It probably still doesn't make sense because I imagine very few people are silly enough to care for a plant enough to name it. Then to feel sentimental towards a new plant because it reminds you of a plant you used to have, a plant named Fred, or Ivy, or Momma - it's just plain crazy.   

Come out from Under that Rock Already.

    I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes. I know there are just things happening around me that I have absolutely no clue about and that there may be other people who are disgusted and amazed at my complete stupidity so while I write this I know that there are people who have had similar experiences with me; the kind of experience that leaves their head shaking and makes them think I've been hiding under a rock for a good part of my adult life. For instance I've lived in San Diego for over 6 years and I still have no clue how to get to Mira Mesa or El Cajon. Half the time I think Oceanside is to the south of us and even though I live right downtown, I would probably print directions before I drove myself to Coronado. I realize this is pitiful, it's like I just got here yesterday, this not knowing the lay of the land after 6 years. It's something that leaves people wondering if I have indeed been hiding under a rock. 

    So while I am about to call out others for being stupid, I can agree that I too fall into this category - occasionally. We can't all be all knowing. I'll even admit that I probably expect people to know more than I should expect them too. I'm always asking my husband random questions about historical people or events, questions that he does not know an answer to and I'm sure he wonders why in the hell I would think he does. He happens to be college educated and 12 years older than me, that's why. He paid good money and spent four years in a higher learning establishment, he should know these things - some of them he should simply recall - I mean he was there and I wasn't. Granted he may have only been 4 or 5 at the time but still he was there so the facts of the matter should just be a part of him. like the hair on his head.

I know that I don't remember the facts about anything that happened when I was 5 years old but I fully expect other people to. This kind of stupidity is not really what I'm venting about at all. I don't think Dick is stupid because he can't tell me all of the bands that played at Woodstock off the top of his head, I just think I would know this if I was his age but it doesn't change my opinion of him. I know he's smart, just because he didn't pay attention to the biggest rock concert of all time doesn't mean he's stupid. I only find this mildly annoying because he should know the answer so I don't have to look it up. I clearly wasn't that interested because I didn't look it up. It's not like he said he didn't know what the newest and greatest gadget was - then I would be concerned. Gadgets are what Dick loves. His life's work is based in computers and gadgets, so I don't think I am out of line in thinking he should know a little something about them. And for sure if I ask him about the best cars available right now, he'll give me every fact and figure as if his grade in life depended on it. He is a car buff. This makes sense. 

The kind of stupidity that I'm talking about is the kind that makes you take a step back and wonder how certain people actually make it through their life. These stupid people working in their stupid jobs and have no knowledge of the things that relate to what they do. For some reason these people always seem to work in professions that can seriously affect your life. Let's put all of the idiots in places where their stupidity will really mess you up. Anytime you call a utility company, an insurance company, or any kind of customer service line, you need to watch for an impending hassle. I wonder if this is their work place moral program; put the idiots in roles where they make mistakes or are just completely ignorant about things that really matter to people and then we can all have a good laugh at the people who get screwed.

I'm talking about the Medical Assistant who feels insecure enough already because her patient (me) has clearly established that she knows her stuff when it comes to all of this medical bullshit and she won''t be pushed around. Maybe this is the wrong way to start with the Medical Assistant but I'm now in the business of preventing hassles in my life rather than going along with things until they become a hassle. If you're not careful, the stupid people will lead you cheerfully down the path to a great big fucking hassle. Constant vigilance is required and I am constantly on guard with these stupid people. This is something I can thank my wise husband for, watching him take control when he is on the phone with some tech support guy is really thrilling. He will never let that guy cheerfully lead him down the road to a big hassle. My husband's direct, to the point, and at times forceful approach as soon as he figures out someone is a moron is enough to turn a girl on, he speaks some serious geek.

So the medical assistant; I know she has about 9 months of education to prepare for this role and I've had nearly 6 years of education in being a regular patient. This girl looks as if she was celebrating her 16th birthday around that time so clearly I am more qualified than she is to try and address my concern. This particular doctor visit occurred because I thought I had a bladder infection and I wanted a culture taken on my urine to determine if I did or not. There are two different ways to test for infection in the urinary system - well probably more but there are 2 that are used regularly. One is called a dip stick and the other is a culture. I have dip sticks at home, I wanted a culture. The medical assistant has to dip it first, just part of the process which was fine. I knew that my dip stick was normal because I have them at home. When the medical assistant told me it showed signs of an infection, I wanted to know what specifically and she told me my leukocytes were slightly elevated, when I asked her if I could please see this evidence she looked at me like I was the moron and handed me a prescription for 20mg of cipro for 30 days. Cipro is not a drug to be taken lightly and 30 days is absolutely unheard of. 

At this point both the medical assistant and I are frustrated. I wanted to talk to a nurse - at least let me talk to a damn nurse because this is how I want this to go down: I want to make this decision based on a culture, not the stupid - inaccurate dip test. Then, if and only If I actually choose to take an antibiotic, I am certainly not going to take that much Cipro. That much Cipro might make sense after losing a limb in a dirty explosion but not for a suspected bladder infection. The medical assistant was appalled that I was just not accepting her orders as if they were doctor's orders. I was livid that she would not go get the person who actually wrote this outlandish prescription - because yeah sweetie, I know it wasn't you and the person who wrote it needs to be made aware that this mistake occurred and they are lucky I was the patient rather than a lesser informed one. I stormed out; there was no other choice. Later I would discuss this with the doctor and she would also gasp at the amount of Cipro they were trying kill me with and explain that it was a mistake. I would say yes, I know. I wonder if the office got a good laugh at my expense after they got me so irritated and annoyed that the only option they gave me was to storm out angry, yelling at the woman then slamming the door as I left. 

Two days later I was able to get into a specialist (thank God for private insurance) and in the meantime I had consumed enough fluids to wash away any infection that may have been there. I was seen by an actual nurse as well as a doctor who both understood that I did not want to take antibiotics unless I needed them. See that's all I needed. I needed to know if I needed antibiotics, I did not need to be told just to take them regardless. I never want to take an antibiotic but I will take reasonable advice from a trained physician - even a nurse. That medical assistant was stupid and has no business treating me as a patient. I am too educated in medicine even without a formal education to just trust her and thank God I am. 

My friend Kim recently experienced some stupidity at the clothing store Ross. Ross abounds with stupidity, many of these stores don't even have a public restroom. On more than one occasion I have left Ross without buying the 15 items I wanted to buy because by the time I had sifted though the endless jumbled up racks and tried things on 8 at a time I had to pee so bad I would not have been able to wait the 30 minutes it would take to get through the line and the employees simply refused to let me use their bathroom. Okay - well go fuck yourself. Kim coined this phrase all on her own after just such a trip to Ross, the difference was that she didn't have to pee or if she did, she was in one of the Ross stores that has figured out women are gonna have to pee after sifting through endless racks of clothes and trying them on for hours on end but I digress. Kim had found the items she wanted and proceeded to the line. She was in good spirits at this point, due to this adorable little dress she couldn't believe she was lucky enough to find and for $10. This is where Ross gets you, they have awesome deals on decent stuff if you have the patience. I wonder if the Ross teams discuss the fine line between slightly annoying and outright infuriating. This day for Kim though, it was not Ross that caused her the headache, she was mentally prepared for the annoyance that is inevitable at Ross. She got in line, made some friends during the 30 minutes she waited, she was having a good time. Finally there are two people in front of her, the wait is almost over when all of the sudden this woman appears out of nowhere with a cart overflowing with merchandise and she tells Kim that she is with the guy in front of her. The guy in front of Kim has been standing there with 3 items in his hand for 30 minutes. 

The woman was from Europe somewhere judging by her accent and maybe this is how they do things where she is from but where Kim is from that ain't how it goes. Kim says no, you are not with him, you need to go to the back of the line. The woman then tries to explain to Kim that it's okay because she knows the guy in front of Kim. You know, I think this would have to be considered rude, no matter where you are from but I've never visited France or Germany, maybe this is how they do it. Well this woman learned quickly that this is not how it's done here; Kim took her cart and ran over the woman's toes while saying "Go fuck yourself!" on her way to the register when the next customer was called. Now we just say GFY. We seem to find more and more GFY moments in life. Are we just getting older and grouchy or do people act more stupidly :o) and rude than ever?

I called to schedule a massage the other day and I was informed by the receptionist in the medical office where I get my massages that my therapist had called in sick that day but there was an opening the following day. Now I needed more information because I try to avoid sick people - you know if it's contagious. I am a little worried about the flu this year - you know H1N1 but not worried enough to "protect" myself with some crazy vaccine. So I say to the girl "Well do you know what's wrong with her?" and the girl says "I don't know, I think she's just sick." so I say "Well I don't know if I want to come in tomorrow because I'm worried about H1N1." and the girl nervously giggled and said "I don't think it's anything serious like that." I said "Okay, well has H1N1 been going around your office?" I knew it was all over when the receptionist in my medical doctor's office replied "I guess I don't know what that is, what is H1N1?"  Okay, Come out from under your rock already.

   

Blackberries

I love blackberries, even with their annoying little seeds that collect in the spaces between your teeth and the inevitable pain that goes along with picking them, I am still a fan. They bring back wonderful childhood memories of picking blackberries in my yard and eating them with just a little bit of milk and sugar. The juicy sweet berries popping in my mouth. I would just gorge on them every summer, my hands would be permanently stained purple for at least 6 weeks every year. For me the blackberry is the ultimate symbol of pure, sweet, warm, happiness. 

Imagine my surprise after dreaming about them last night and looking up in my little dream book what that meant and coming across this explanation; To dream of blackberries denotes many ills. To gather them is unlucky. To eat them denotes losses. 

This is horrible. I don't need more ills, bad luck, and losses in life. I dreamt of picking, eating, and cooking with them - I'm totally screwed.  Maybe I was just craving some damn blackberries. Maybe my dream book has it wrong. Or does it? 

How could such a lovely and tasty little berry mean such misery? I am amazed by this yet I am in touch enough with reality to know that dreaming of blackberries is not going to destroy my life, or am I?

I hate it when something like this happens. I innocently looked at my dream book, expecting wonderful things about my blackberry dream only to find that in fact dreaming of blackberries may just do me in. What a bummer.

Oh, I'll go through my day only thinking about the impending doom a few times and then I'll likely forget all about this horrible news, until I start to experience the many ills that my dream predicted. That could be later today or in fifty years. I can just imagine myself experiencing this unluck that is certain to follow such a dream and cursing the dream. If only I hadn't dreamed about those damn blackberries! 

I wonder if I can dream something to cancel all of this out? It looks like dreaming of soup is a forerunner of good tidings and comfort. Thank goodness. I know what I'll be dreaming about tonight. 

It's a Crazy World

What's going on? Does anyone else feel like the world around you is going to crap in fast motion? Is the average Joe able to see how backwards and bizarre the news is anymore? It's not just your average craziness anymore - we've really got our priorities mixed up. Have common sense and decency left the majority of Americans or did they just never have it and I failed to notice?

When I was growing up I had a sense that people were free thinking and actually literally free to do what they felt was right and what they felt would benefit their family. I knew there were laws to make sure people did "the right thing" but in my mind the more important factor was conscience, not some law that guided one's decisions.

I didn't have a religious family but I came up among hard working and decent people who had no sense of entitlement whatsoever. They instilled in me a sense of right and wrong from the beginning of my life. I understand that right and wrong is very subjective and I guess this is my struggle. I feel like my idea of right and wrong now suddenly differs from the norm. I feel like I'm suddenly an old fuddy duddy who is looking at the kids wondering how dare you?

We were on food stamps once for a month or so when I was growing up but other than that my family did everything they could do to pay their own bills and take care of the family. Sometimes this meant long hours, disgusting and/or labor intensive jobs that paid a pittance but they did it and I learned early that I was going to have to work hard in life to take care of myself. There is no free ride. 

I had my first job at 12 years old babysitting two kids in the neighborhood and then took a newspaper route as a second job not too long after that. I continued to babysit those same kids until I was 15. I picked raspberries in blistering heat the summer between 7th and 8th grade and as soon as I was 15 and could get a work permit I went to work busing tables at a restaurant. I have been continuously employed, paying taxes, since the time I was 15 years old with the only exception being about 2 years when I was too sick to work. I was fighting for my life during that time but even still I was taking classes that we paid for ourselves during 12 of those months. I work now even though I'm exhausted and unable to perform in the same way I used to able to. I feel like I have an obligation not only to my own family but to society to do what I can do to contribute to the machine. I don't think I could sleep well at night if I just sat back and took disability payments without at least doing what I can to pay back into the machine.

Most of the time I can't do as much as I would like, actually all of the time I can't do what I would like. I would like to be back at the top of my game where I left off. I loved working and I got great satisfaction out of being a very hard working, independent woman. I was on the heals of earning 6 figures when I got sick and my life changed. I don't fault anyone who works hard and gets paid well for what they do.

You must be wondering what I am getting at by now. I just keep hearing day after day examples of situations that go completely against my sense of right and wrong. I heard someone on the radio the other day say that the best solution to the economy would be to limit everyone to a maximum net wealth of $80 million dollars. It pains me to think that some of you may actually be reading this and agree with this idea. If everyone could only have $80 million dollars, because really how much money does one person need, then we could take the rest of their wealth and pay America's bills. This kind of thinking really troubles me. Why don't we just decide that no matter who you are or what you do you will make the exact same amount as everyone else. Let's just pay every person $25 per hour for every job. If you are a business owner then you can only pay yourself $25 per hour and each of your employees has to be paid that same from the janitor to the CFO. Wouldn't that be fair?

Some of you may be thinking that requiring everyone be paid the same is a far cry from simply limiting the amount of wealth that one person is allowed to amass but I think if we were to go down the road of deciding who could have what that is eventually where we would end up.  We have no business limiting people's incomes in any way except for when those incomes are generated illegally. I understand there is a lot of greed and people unethically take money when they should not, let's focus on prosecuting those people, not taking away the motivation for some people to become superstars in their field. Let's face it, some people are smarter, more ambitious, more dedicated, and more motivated than others. It's one of the things that is so great about humans, we all have unique gifts. Some of those gifts lend themselves to making a lot of money, some of them to being wonderful mothers, some to helping community, etc, etc. It takes all kinds of people to make the world turn.

The idea that some (I hope not most) of my fellow citizens feel that robbing Peter to pay Paul is not only moral and ethical, but the right thing to do for our country is only a start to the things that have been turning my stomach lately. 

There is a single woman in California that just gave birth to 8 children, instantly making her the proud mother of 14. All of her children required medical intervention to be created and her spoke person says we have no reason to believe she is not a wonderful mother. Wonderful mother? Really? She's supporting these children with your tax dollars, are you okay with this? What about the fact that your tax dollars are paying to educate and medicate over 12 million people who decided to enter our country illegally? Many of them do not pay taxes and I would venture to say most of them do not pay their share of taxes. I have nothing against people wanting live here, I was absolutely blessed to have been born here but we have a policy in place for helping people move to the United States. I know Mexico is a tough place to be for many of its citizens and I do hope that they are able to improve their country so the Mexican people do not want to leave. I feel that is Mexico's responsibility and until they get it together I welcome the people who choose to move here using the programs that are in place. I realize this is not possible for everyone, I'm sorry but as my mom would say, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I don't believe people have a right to come here and use the resources if they are not contributing to the pot. What disturbs me the most about this topic is our solution; build a massive, ugly, and expensivee wall rather than getting tougher on our policy regarding what we do with the illegals that are already here. Why don't we send them back home, especially when they have been caught perpetrating crimes?  

There are also a lot of American citizens that do not contribute to the pot. Many of them are legitimately in need of help and they they are entitled to it based on the fact that they have paid into the systems that are in place. People who work hard for the majority of their lives should be given help during the rough patches. I'm afraid that more and more people feel like their government is suppose to protect and take care of them. Is there a general feeling that a person's basic rights include home ownership, new cars, flat screen TV's, and PlayStation 3? I have more respect for the people that come here illegally and work their asses off day in and day out than for the citizens of this country that sit on their ass and make excuses for why they can't contribute to their own survival. You've all heard the stories of this person or that who spends their life working the welfare system to get by, when they have no real reason not to go out and work. Is it me or are these people becoming more and more common and demanding more and more from the system? Is government planning on stepping up and doing just what these people want? More government programs for everything? Can anyone give me a specific example of any government program that is actually working? What I mean is a program that is getting the people that need it the most help in a timely manner and also cutting off the people that are abusing it? A program that is actually using our tax dollars in a productive, efficient, and responsible manner?

I'm not talking about all of the honest, hard working people who have recently fallen on bad times. I am so sorry if you are one of the people who has lost your job and livelihood due to this current economic fiasco. I hope you have no problem getting the unemployment benefit you need and I hope it gets you through until you are able to find work again. The people I am talking about are the ones who have never tried and do not care about trying because they know there is a system that they can rely on and they make it their life's work manipulating it. I hope this is not the new answer to the question what do you want to be when you grow up? "I want to be the lady that lives in a shoe with so many kids I don't know what to do, oh but wait I do know what I'll do...Hey kiddies meet your Uncle Sam, he's the enemy of every hard working person in this country but he's our best friend."

What about the fact that the property taxes you pay to educate children are producing some of the most uneducated kids on the planet. Am I allowed to bitch about the lack of education when I don't have children? If I did have children I would not rely solely on public schools if at all for their education. I'm bitching because there has been a general dumbing down in our school system and I am seriously worried about the future. I really do mean dumbing down in the Orwellian sense of the phrase because dumb people are easy to manipulate. I'm not sure if this is entirely the fault of our government or if it just happens to be their luck because so many parents have checked out. When I was a kid my mom knew the instant I missed a homework assignment and my ass was grass. It was her job to make sure I was doing my work and actually learning something. My classes had about 20 kids in them and every single one of them was proficient in speaking English. Now classes have over 30 kids and some of them are not proficient in English, how are teachers expected to overcome this? Especially when they don't get nearly the amount of help from parents as they used to. It pains me to think about how many kids don't get to bed on time, don't even consider studying, don't get fed breakfast, and whose teachers never get talked to because parents are too busy with their other real priorities; a big screen or a new car, whatever it is. Then when you do have a very bright child who is bored in the classroom and starts acting out, they are diagnosed ADHD and medicated - really dumbed down. Why aren't we trying to find productive ways for these kids to use their excess energy? Parents have you done everything you possibly can to try and discover the root of the problem and address it with lifestyle choices before medicating your child? Really? I don't believe that 99% of the time.

I don't think it is optimal for children to be raised in a single parent home, I don't think it's optimal for children to be raised in a home with two parents that work full time. Kids don't raise themselves and I'm sorry but I don't know a single person I would trust to leave my child with 8-10 hours a day. At least not one who would be able or willing to raise my child for me. I know some people make it work, I know some people literally have no choice. My point here is that I am hoping the next generation will produce more promising young people.If they don't I'm afraid the movie Idiocracy will be reality. Our experiment with having children without real families does not seem to be working; more and more young people are in jails, addicted to drugs, have serious emotional problems, or simply feel like they are entitled to have every thing they want and see no problem with the idea of taking it from someone else. The majority of these children are a result of broken or unconventional homes. I really hope people are going to start thinking a little more seriously about the effect they are having on the population as a whole when they have children that they do not take responsibility for. It does take a village and I don't mind paying my fair share of taxes for education and other necessary programs to make sure they get the best possible start in life. My problem is when the parents of these children don't take primary responsibility; they expect others to.

I feel like I've woken up and suddenly found myself in this ass backwards world of blame the government for everything, yet look to them to bail us out of it and take no personal responsibility whatsoever. If the government is to blame for our current economic crises than how in the hell does expanding government seem like the best solution? We have just seen the beginning of the greatest government expansion in the history of our country. When the government starting writing checks to bail out private companies they also gained some control over how those private companies conduct business. Some people strongly feel this will greatly reduce corruption and greed but come on, aren't our politicians (the government) the purest and oldest examples of corruption and greed? Is it really in our best interest to give them more control?

Isn't control exactly what people who are corrupt and greedy want? Are we so ignorant, unmotivated, and lost that we need a government agency to direct our every move? Again, maybe I would be a little more excited about handing my freedom to choose my own path over to politicians if I had seen some good examples of government programs that work.

The movie Sicko comes to mind and the story about the French family who had nannies, housekeepers, and so many other programs that were provided to them by the government. Many of you watched the movie Sicko and left convinced that socialized medicine is the best and only answer to our healthcare crises. I didn't leave convinced. I know people who live or have lived in these countries and most of their first hand experiences with the quality of care they received was not as glorious as the movie Sicko made it out to be. I don't want a nanny, housekeeper, and other help assigned to me if it means that I only get to keep 40% of my income because the rest is being stolen to pay taxes for all of these services. I don't want to pay any more for services that I am not in need of until the programs that are already in place are more successful.

I don't want healthcare that is sub par because there are not enough doctors willing to work for less than they deserve, sub par because there is not enough equipment to go around. I already wait 2 months to get an appointment with certain specialists, what is it going to be like when medicine is socialized? There has to be a better way, maybe we should start with looking into why it costs more than $1500 to take an ambulance 3 miles. Is it because there are so many people using the system but not contributing to it? Why are we paying $200 per month for medication that you can buy In Mexico for $20? Is it really because drug companies spend a billion dollars to get a drug approved or is it because they are greedy and the greedy politicians are getting lubed by them left and right?  Shouldn't we try to address some of these issues before we decide to force hard working, responsible people to pick up more of the tab and get in return a clogged up ans sub-standard system? Why would we trust our government to take over control something as important as healthcare when they've already mucked it up without having complete control? Which successful governement program will this program be modeled after? 

We are about to print $800 billion dollars out of thin air to pay our bills. Bills that have accumulated because of greed and corruption from government and big business. This mess, however, is not theirs alone. I'm not hearing enough about the responsibility of the people in this mess. If you accepted a loan on a home without showing proof of income, without paying a down payment, with an adjustable rate, or any other non conventional loan and you knew that you could not afford to make the payments at the time that you signed the loan then you are also responsible for this mess. If you loaded up thousands of dollars of debt on credit cards without the income to pay it back, this is also your fault. People who spent money they did not yet have because they thought they would get a pay raise should learn from this and accept that they made some mistakes. I have not always been the most responsible person when it comes to money. After all, we do live in a society that encourages us to live beyond our means but I would never make this kind of mistake and then expect to be bailed out while my neighbor who bought the house he could afford with proof of income, a hefty down payment, and a fixed mortgage had to continue making his same monthly payments even those the value on his home has plummeted because of my irresponsible actions. That's right, home values are plummeting because of your foreclosures, because you bought a home you couldn't afford and you knew you couldn't. Just because you CAN get a loan does not mean that you should or that you are entitled to it. 

So what is the answer? I really have no idea. I do know that I would like to have less governmental influence rather than more. I value my freedom and I am afraid I am watching it rapidly being taken away, sometimes under the guise that it's what's best for me, sometimes under the pretense that it's what the people want, sometimes because it is what is "politically correct", etc. Whatever the case I can actually see Orwell's 1984 becoming a reality, I know people have been saying that probably since he wrote the book but now we are closer to that than ever before. 

I sincerely hope people will start relying more on their conscience, start striving to be the best they can be, value their freedoms, and teaching their children. How many people are there about there who don't even know what they are missing because they learned early on to do as little as possible and not to worry because they'll get by with a little help from Uncle Sam. They may never know how much satisfaction they actually get from setting a goal and achieving it, how well they sleep after a hard day of work, how much more they can have by expending some effort, how knowledgeable they could become just from putting themselves out there.

I truly hope that the response we receive to just printing hundreds of billions of dollars is not extreme inflation, or higher and higher taxes, or a massive war effort but it seems to me that those are the  possibilities. When you print money out of thin air the value is going to drop. The money has to be paid back. I am very concerned to say the least but as always I have a positive attitude. I know there are enough people left in our country that understand the value of freedom and hard work. There just has to be. 

How I'm Surviving a Terminal Disease

In May of 2005 I was sitting in the office of the world’s leading hematologist while he gently explained to me, my mother, and my husband that there simply was no hope for my situation. I had a terminal bone marrow disease called myelodysplasia and the only cure was a bone marrow transplant that I would almost certainly not survive due to my previous exposure to chemotherapy drugs and the damage they had caused to my vital organs.

This was the third hematologist that I had consulted with and they all had the same opinion. It was in this moment, in this office with my husband and mother sitting next to me crying that I decided I would no longer take the advice of my medical professionals. I simply did not believe death was the most likely outcome. I honestly felt like my doctors did not have any real hope to offer me so I chose to take myself out of their care.

I decided that I was going to start making the decisions regarding my healthcare. Up to that point I did what the doctors recommended with very few questions. I decided which drugs I would choose to try and when I would use them. I decided only to use one drug to support my blood levels and reduce the number of blood transfusions that I needed. I also decided that I would get a blood transfusion only when I felt I needed one. The drug or the transfusions were not something that could provide a cure for my condition; only support me while I slowly died. Some of the doctors did recommend that I try some experimental drugs and one of them even wanted me to attempt a bone marrow transplant even though she felt that I only had a 5% chance of surviving it.

The way I see it is when you are very sick and medical doctors have no reliable help to offer, you can do one of a few things; you can trust that the doctors are right and subject yourself to experimental treatments or go home to die. In my case doctors predicted that I have no more than 5 years. The other option is to make a choice and figure out how to live. I chose to live.

Making that choice was actually not very popular with most of my family at first. My decision to basically give up on conventional medicine meant that I had to truly embrace holistic or alternative medicine in my treatment plan. Unfortunately there are a lot of unethical and greedy people in the world who live off of feeding on the desperate and dying. There is understandably a lot of skepticism when it comes to the world of alternative medicine. It took my family awhile to trust that I would be able to weed out the vultures and find the real medicine in alternative approaches. They questioned whether there even is any real medicine in alternative approaches.

I didn’t care much about their skepticism; I knew I only had one option; to make myself well again. I was not even 30 years old yet and I had already survived an 8 pound tumor, massive surgery, and aggressive chemotherapy treatments. I would survive this too. I decided the thing to do was focus on building my health rather than fighting my disease. The research I was doing led me to recognize that the alternative approach was to treat the overall person and not simply the symptoms that the person is experiencing.

It may sound like building health and fighting disease are the same things but they are not. The difference is in the way you think. This is huge when considering your overall health. Our thoughts can be very toxic and they can draw in the very thing you are trying to avoid. Instead of thinking that I did not want to be sick I started thinking and visualizing myself being well. When I took a supplement, I did not think I was fighting my bone marrow disease, I thought that I was supporting my bone marrow health.

What started happening was simply amazing, after doing a lot of research on my own and consulting with several holistic professionals including nutritionists, herbalists, acupuncturists, chiropractors, and massage therapists I started incorporating some major changes in my lifestyle. I found myself at odds with a lot of the truths that I had carried with me my entire life. I assumed that my laundry detergent was harmless, my microwave was safe, and that the food I was buying in my supermarket was healthy especially when the label told me it was. Now I don’t believe any of that.

I did away with all of my conventional cleaners, stopped using the microwave, no longer used any make up and most skin care products, and even quit wearing a bra. I did all of these things because I came across disturbing information regarding their dangers in my research. I started to feel like the conspiracy theorists that I used to laugh at. My perception of what is safe for human consumption and exposure changed dramatically. It only took a couple of well written books to make me truly understand just how toxic today’s world is.

The nutritionists that I had been consulting with recommended a very specific diet and I followed it to the best of my ability. They also recommended a boat load of supplements; some of them the most terrible tasting stuff that I had ever put in my mouth. I also started practicing yoga, deep breathing exercises, and I started attempting to meditate – something that sounds easier than it is.

After about 6 months I started to get a little better. I needed fewer blood transfusions and fewer injections to maintain my blood levels. My conventional doctors were intrigued and my holistic professionals were not surprised. I was still not completely well though and I felt like I needed a more complete team to evaluate my situation and offer me guidance. I had also heard about the cancer clinics in Mexico that according to holistic medicine were achieving great success. Conventional wisdom disputed this and maintains that alternative cancer clinics do more harm than good. I was curious and I wanted to see for myself.

One of my nutritionist recommended a clinic in Mexico called Sanoviv. Sanoviv is a full service hospital that combines the best of conventional and alternative medicine. I was especially interested in some of the things that they offered that were not approved by the FDA in the United States, I wanted to go outside of the country because I specifically wanted access to the things that were illegal here if I needed them. I did some research and I went to visit Sanoviv with my husband. It was amazing, they offered exactly what our hospitals should offer; one facility that covered medicine, diet, mental health, stress management, physical health, and patient education.

With resistance from my friends, family and medical doctors I made plans to go. The resistance came because most people have a very hard time believing that it is possible to find superior medical treatment outside of the United States where many citizens believe they enjoy the best health care in the world. The cost was $21,000 for Sanoviv’s 3 week intensive program. This is a lot of money but compared to what my insurance companies and I had already paid (over a million dollars) it was chump change. Chump change that we did not have and that my family must have thought I was nuts for considering paying. With that said, there was still little hope otherwise so we set out to gather up the money. I had over a third of it in my 401K program that I cashed out and then we did a fund raiser that included flyers, internet advertisement, and a huge yard sale. People are so amazing that within 3 months I had all of the money I needed to go. This would not have been possible without the many friends and strangers that donated their time, services, and hard earned money for the cause. I can’t thank them and all of my family enough.

That trip to Sanoviv saved my life. They helped me put together the pieces of the puzzle that I was missing and with their help I learned how to truly take care of my health in a way that I would never have been able to learn at that time here. I did not end up needing any of the approaches that are illegal here and surprisingly it didn’t take a whole lot to provoke serious healing. We used specific enzymes, organic raw vegetarian diet, meditation, wheat grass, enemas, vitamins, specific supplements, and some other basic approaches. I received a wealth of education and I left the facility feeling healthier than I ever remember feeling. This is the approach that worked for me. Sanoviv does extensive testing to determine this and their protocols are different for each person. I believe this is the best and safest way to practice medicine.

That was in June of 2006 and now a year and a half later I am still remarkably well. I have not used a single medication nor have I even been close to needing a blood transfusion ever since. My CBC (complete blood count) looks exactly like a healthy person’s CBC. Most of my doctors believe this is nothing more than a spontaneous remission and probably not influenced by the many serious changes I have made to my lifestyle. I was not involved in a clinical trial so I cannot say that my improved health is related to my alternative approach but I believe in my heart that it is.

I have continued to study nutrition and I am now a certified holistic nutritionist and I am on my way to becoming a master herbalist. I am a walking encyclopedia in regard to maintaining and reclaiming health naturally. Now I want to share the knowledge that I have accumulated and help people understand that there is more than just medication involved in maintaining and building health. I want to help to truly educate people about what is and what is not healthy for their body and lifestyle.

I absolutely do not recommend that anyone quit seeing their doctors or quit taking their medications. I do encourage people to broaden their health care approach to include a truly healthy diet and supportive lifestyle. I encourage people to hire a professional who is passionate about helping people find the right diet for them. Generally, medical doctors will admit that they do not have a lot of training in nutrition, they are not aware of just how effective dietary changes can be or exactly what changes would benefit their patients most.

As a cancer survivor and a certified nutritionist I hope to see a future where we are able to prevent many of the deadly diseases that affect us today through eliminating harmful toxins and by improving our nutrition and lifestyle. I feel like I am living proof of this possibility and I meet other people who beat the odds in the same manner that I have almost everyday.

Unfortunately there are still people out there who die of terrible diseases everyday even though they are doing everything their doctor recommends and their diet and lifestyle are perfect. I don’t know why this is, it seems unfair.

There are still many people who could understand nutrition on a much deeper level and if they did they would have a better quality of life. I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to help bring that understanding to others. If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would become a complete health nut I would have told you that you were completely crazy. Now I know that I owe my life to some great health nuts and I’m proud to be considered one myself.

Plant a Seed and Watch Yourself Grow!

About a year ago I decided to grow a vegetable garden. I went into it full speed without much knowledge to back me up. Even as I get older I suffer from a condition called no patience and I can tend to look past details sometimes because I am so focused on the end result. I guess I always assume I'll know how to handle the details just by simply going through the process to get to whatever goal I have in mind. This lack of patience and going full speed ahead on things has given me one of two results, it has either been completely successful or it has failed miserably.

I had the benefit of a team when it has been successful , both my supervisors and people that I supervised. They had a lot of things that I did not such as experience, knowledge, ability, and they had to be there if they were going to get paid. This was always the scenario when I was successful at something new in my career life. I had an ability to accomplish challenging goals without ever having accomplished that goal before. I was able to bring an established building from 80% occupancy to 100%, I completed a full lease up on a high end building in a low end neighborhood in record time. Before I did this I had no idea how to do it. What I did have was a large network of people who had done it before and it was in their best interest to tell me how to do it. I also had a group of people who were paid to provide the labor. This is what I miss the most about going to work. I took my career goals very personally when I was working and it was always so exciting to make a goal and realize it. It was so easy with an excellent team and my team always consisted of the most knowledgeable and hard working people.

I am realizing more than ever how important it is to have a good team surrounding you in all aspects of life. Maybe it is possible to accomplish goals without a team but I do not believe it will be nearly as rewarding. Finding mentors and then in turn becoming a mentor is such a wonderful thing. It can make the difference between success and failure.

What does this have to do with my garden? When I decided to grow a garden I did not understand yet just how much of a team effort it would just naturally become and I did not know that plants would not be the only thing that grew. A garden helps people grow too. My first mistake was not considering the plants and what they really needed to thrive. I realize this was a silly oversight but it is what it is. I was considering space more than anything at first. I thought I had to leave the yard the yard and have a garden on the side. I didn't consider that I could make the whole yard a vegetable garden. It's our yard and Dickie, bless his heart knows that he isn't going to talk me out of my big ideas so why can't I use every inch of dirt for my vegetables? That's really the way it has to be for the plants because we have a very small yard and the conditions are just not right for the plants in the corner of the yard.

My first attempt at planting seeds failed miserably. I rototilled my soil (after finding a few mentors I have learned this is the wrong approach). I added a bunch of steer manure and then immediately planted my seeds. Then I did not water it nearly as much as it needed because I was afraid of over watering it. The whole thing was a dud. It was like lighting a fire cracker and waiting for the explosion that never comes.  I realized something was wrong and I decided to talk to some experts. It turns out I planted my seeds too soon after adding the manure and most likely burned them. I also needed more water so off I went again, this time adding some organic compost into my soil and planting more seeds.

This time within just a few days I had beautiful baby veggies popping out of my dirt. I excitedly called all my friends with the birth announcements and continued to watch as my babies turned into actual vegetables that I could eat. I was still making a lot of mistakes at this point though, I did get some zucchini, spinach, kale, tomatoes and basil that I could eat but I ended up with mildew problems and I was really missing the biggest piece of the puzzle which was building the soil. I had a small compost thing going but I was not doing it properly. I had no knowledge or experience and I had not found a really good mentor yet. I also had not seriously tried to find one, I did not do nearly enough research first.

After my semi successful crop, I decided I needed more space so without stopping to ask any questions or find out what the experts say I went full speed ahead again. I rototilled more of my yard and added a bunch of compost and started over again. Then I realized I really don't know what the hell I am doing and maybe I should do more reading and investigation on the subject. How silly of me. In my haste my time was a waste. I think I have learned a lot about patience and I will not continue to do this to myself in my future endeavors.

The first thing I learned is not to rototill. It completely disturbs the worms and all the good stuff the soil needs. I also realized that I made another very silly mistake which was putting my beds under my avocado tree. I'm embarrassed to even admit that to you but I really did. It is clear that I was still not yet considering the plants but instead the idea that I had to leave the yard the yard and have a garden on the side. I have the biggest avocados that I have ever seen. One of them weighed 1.6 pounds this year. How much more oblivious to what would be healthy for my plants could I possibly be? I put them directly under all of these falling bombs that could potentially land on them and smash them to smithereens. 

We did pick as many of the the avocados with a basket picker (super cool tool) as we could but there's still 2 potential grenades hanging up there like a dark, ominous cloud. My mistake was caught by Bill, the sweet, patient, and smart owner of City Farmer's Nursery on Home Avenue. Bill is amazing and generous with his time and knowledge. In exchange for a few avocados he has taught me more about how to realize my dream than anyone. I also owe a lot of my new knowledge to those wonderful folks at Food Not Lawns. Bill helped me get past the idea that my yard has to be a yard with a garden but instead my entire yard has to be used if I want to meet my goals. We have a very small yard, if our tree and our vegetables are going to thrive there can be no other design, the vegetables go right in the middle.

I'm starting to develop a team and it's amazing how many people want to help. I have been talking a lot about my desires for my garden and the law of attraction has taken it's course. Krista is has offered me a Mandarin tree, Eddie brought me a planter box. Bill is going to come over and help me develop a plan. I am looking for some Aloe Vera plants and a couple more planter boxes. I am not worried about finding them because I know that as I share my goals with people and put the garden energy out there the law of attraction will come into play and someone will offer me some cuttings from their Aloe Vera and since I know there was already 1 planter box out there that someone was happy to unload on me, there must be more. (hint, hint) 

At the moment I do have some plants started and some of them are in the right area so I hope I will have some things that I can eat in the next couple months. There is something so satisfying in planting a seed and watching it grow. I am hoping that more and more people are going to catch this fever. I am sure trying to spread it around. I hope for your sake if you do and if you have absolutely no experience like me that you will do some research first just to save yourself some of the error in the trial and error process that growing food or anything for that matter, naturally is.

My top resources so far have been:

Bill at City Farmer's Nursery in San Diego  619- 284-6358

Food Not Lawns in San Diego http://www.sdfoodnotlawns.com/

The Gardener's A-Z Guide to Growing Organic Food. by Tanya L.K. Denckla

The next book I will purchase when I have some book money is actually called Food Not Lawns by H.C. Flores.

I guess it's possible I have not yet motivated you grow as much food as your land will allow and that's understandable. There are a lot of reasons why that is not possible for many people but it's possible to grow something edible and the rewards are priceless. Grow some herbs in pots, just grow something you can eat and share. I am certain you will find that you are growing more than what you see in the dirt.

My small amount of experience with growing a garden has certainly made me grow. I am excited to see what else I grow in the future.

 

Getting to the Facts of the Matter

    What is the truth? It's interesting to think about how perception and beliefs affect what the truth is. It is even more compelling when you realize and really understand that what the truth is according to you may be very different than what the truth is according to someone else.

    In order for something to be true, it must be a fact. This is where things can go haywire because there are thousands and thousands of studies on every topic imaginable and they all come up with things that they say are facts or at least are very likely facts. How do we know who is right? It's overwhelming because there are so many conflicting facts. Who has the facts straight?

    Is it the scientists who say that global warming is a natural progression in one of Earth's documented cycles? I think there is at least one scientist left who believes this is the fact. Ten years ago there were more scientists who believed that was the fact, and twenty years before that even more of the scientists supported the idea that humans were not affecting the delicate balance that our Earth has maintained for billions of years. Wait. Some people say that the earth is only 6000 years old. Do they have the facts right?

    Most people agree that global warming is a fact and I think most people believe that the earth is older than 6000 years but there are conflicting facts about every subject you can possibly think of. In the midst of so much information and so many conflicting truths, how do you know who to believe? It really comes down to just that; it is all about who you believe and where you get your information.

    Who do you trust when you are seeking advice, information, and facts? I used to rely on your most basic media sources for my information and facts. I think a large majority of people do. It seems like you could trust the evening news, radio, and newspapers to give us our facts. I do feel that journalists try to present us with the facts and I know that most of them wish they had more control over what they report. I also believe that 50 years ago we had a better chance of getting the facts from these sources.

     Aggressive advertising has changed all of that. Advertisers know that all they have to do is get you to believe something and then you will act according to your belief. The amount of money that large corporations put into advertising is...sad. Based on a quick Google search, Proctor and Gamble spent $3 Billion in advertising dollars during 2004. These companies are spending big money to manipulate your beliefs and the television and radio stations are charging a nice premium for the vehicle they provide for it all to happen. They dress people up in doctor suits and these "doctors" tell us all sorts of ridiculous things. I wonder how many people simply believe these actors. How did it become so easy to manipulate the masses? Is anyone else alarmed by this?

    I am writing about this because I value the truth and I have developed a new appreciation for just how difficult getting to the facts of a matter can be. I am never satisfied with only one side of an issue. I want to know what all of the studies say. I end up confused much of the time but at least I have all of the information and I can decide what I believe and then accept it as a fact.

    Recently I find myself with a list of facts that strongly disagrees with the list of facts that most people generally accept. I have an unpopular opinion, especially with regard to what is and what is not healthy. I don't feel too badly about being the outcast because I have my good health to back my unpopular opinion up. I reclaimed my health when I was on the brink of losing it because of my unpopular opinions. Some of you might think I'm completely crazy. To give you an idea of how the "facts" and beliefs I have differ from yours, here are some possible examples:

• Pasteurized milk is not good for anyone, especially children. If you are going to drink dairy milk you should drink it raw - yes, straight from the cow without processing.
• Vaccinations do not prevent the diseases they are intended to prevent and actually contribute to leukemia, autism (so does pasteurized milk), allergies, ear infections and much more.
• Laetrile (B17) found in apricot pits and other hard nuts and seeds can cure some cancers.
• Wearing a bra significantly contributes to breast cancer. The longer you wear it everyday, the higher your risk.
• The reason the FDA recently increased the amount of fruits and vegetables we need in our  daily diet is because our food does not have the same nutrients that it once did. If we continue farming in the same manner we are now, in 20 years the FDA will need to recommend 20 servings of fruit and vegetables to get your daily nutrients. No joke.
• There is no such thing as Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). Your legs may be restless but it is not a disease or a condition in itself, it is a symptom of another problem, in many cases something as simple as magnesium deficiency.
• Stress is not a health condition that you can manage with drugs. Only reducing stress can reduce stress.
• Nail Polish is toxic. So are most of the other mainstream cosmetics, soaps, shampoos, lotions and the rest. I am just picking on nail polish because I saw a report today that said Americans spend $7 Billion dollars a year at nail salons. That is disgusting. 
• A healthy gut (digestive system) is the key to your health. Literally. Get your gut in check and improved health will follow. This means 2 normal BM's everyday. The best way to get started on this is with digestive enzymes, probiotics, fiber (fruits and vegetables), and Omega 3 (healthy) oils. Prescription drugs cannot and will not resolve digestive issues long term.
• Diet soda will actually make you gain weight over the long run, not to mention the horrible effect artificial sweeteners are having on your health. This is even true with splenda which is made from sugar but processed with chlorine.
• Sunblock, especially the mainstream products actually contribute to skin cancer. The best way to protect yourself is to get out of the sun before you get burned. The sun is essential for vitamin D and I hope you have seen some of the newest information regarding the importance of vitamin D in the diet. The purest form of vitamin D is that which your body makes when your bare skin (free of sunblocks or lotions) is exposed to the sun. Again, getting out of the sun before you get burned is the key. Covering up prior to getting burned is another option.
• The energy you emit totally affects the world around you and completely determines what will happen in your life. If you want to prove me wrong you could go buy 2 identical plants from the same location. Put the plants in the same location and put a red mark on one and a black mark on the other. Water them the same amount at the same time. Every day look at the red plant and think wonderful, happy, and positive thoughts for one minute. Then look at the black one and think hateful, angry, and negative thoughts for one minute. I believe that the plant with the black mark will be dead in 6 weeks while the one with the red mark will flourish.
• Fluoride is a toxic byproduct in the manufacture of nuclear arms, aluminum, cement, steel, and phosphates. It is not beneficial for our teeth, or if it is, it certainly does not have any place in our digestive tract, penetrating all of our cells. It is actually damaging to our health. The dental association does now warn against using fluorinated water in baby formula. How long will it take before we stop fluorinating the water?
• Genetically modified foods which now include most conventionally grown wheat, corn, soybean, cotton, and potatoes are not generally safe as the FDA would have us believe. We will see a whole list of health problems associated with these foods and this problem may already be spiraling out of control. Please watch the movie The Future of Food for more information on this subject. If you do not know what genetically modified foods are then you are probably already consuming them on a consistent basis because there is no labeling requirement. The only way to ensure that you are not eating them is to find labels that say no GMOs.
• Prescription drugs should almost never be your initial approach to any health concern   including high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, or any other health concern. Nutrition and lifestyle changes are much more effective without side effects and the possibility of causing more health concerns. When taken long term all drugs will create other health concerns. Yes, your heartburn may resolve with drugs like Prilosec but your ability to absorb minerals such as calcium will be completely diminished and you will end up with gall stones and eventually you may end up in the hospital having your gall bladder removed. The doctor will undoubtedly tell you not to worry too much about it, it's only 1 little organ, you have plenty of other organs. Sound familiar anyone? If you have heart burn please try hydrochloric acid before Tums, Rolaids, or Pilosec. The acid response is actually an acid deficiency which may be counter intuitive but it is true.
• Microwave ovens cause cancer. At the very least they "zap" all of the nutrients from your food and change it into something toxic.
• You should not treat a low grade fever. Fevers help fight infections by stimulating the immune system and killing bacteria and viruses that can't survive at higher-than-normal temperatures. Let your body do its thing unless the fever exceeds 102 degrees. Of course in children this is a little bit different - seek the advice of your natural health care professional.
• Saturated fat and cholesterol do not cause heart disease. Elevated cholesterol is a sign of poor diet in some cases but the true culprits in heart disease are trans fat,  sugar, and sedentary lifestyle.
• Statin drugs do not reduce heart disease related deaths. Most people that die from heart disease have normal cholesterol levels because they were taking statin drugs. Seriously - most people that die from a heart attack have NORMAL cholesterol levels. Statin drugs reduce cholesterol but not heart attacks because heart attacks are not directly caused by high cholesterol, the cholesterol is nothing more than a symptom - not the cause!
• Doctor's do not prescribe (demand) improved diet and lifestyle to diabetic patients because treating the many complications associated with diabetes is much more lucrative. Almost all diabetes can be CURED - not simply treated with the proper diet and lifestyle. Diabetic patients are not receiving good advice and the pharmaceutical companies are laughing all the way to the bank.
• Using antibacterial soap is overkill. There is no need to use antibacterial soap. Antibacterial soap kills both good and bad bacteria (the good bacteria protect our skin from disease-causing germs). Regular soap is good enough to get rid of bad germs. Antibacterial soap may also promote antibiotic resistance.

Some of my truths may seem crazy to you because they so strongly go against everything you have ever learned. I'm not sure which one of my facts raises the most alarm for you so I'll talk about raw milk because I know many of you are having a hard time with that one. Your facts do not agree so the idea of drinking raw milk may seem alarming and dangerous. When I tell you the danger is actually in the pasteurized milk, you think I must have my facts wrong. I don't believe I do. I can look back into the history of the world and recall countless examples of things that were once considered facts and now we know differently. We think that the people in the past who believed those facts were silly. How could everyone have believed that the world was flat? I wonder if I will  live to see the day when the real fact about milk is truly accepted and we will all wonder how we could have believed that boiling milk until all of the natural enzymes, good bacteria, and nutrients are destroyed was a great idea. If you are interested in reading what people with credentials much more impressive than mine have to say about raw milk go to:

www.drmercola.com (type raw milk into his search engine)

http://www.realmilk.com/

http://www.raw-milk-facts.com/

What kind of world will our children be left with?

    Is having a child right now really in the best interest of the child? I want children now more than any other time in my life. I’ve actually called myself a mom without a baby recently. I do all of the things that mommies do; I cook and clean while singing my heart out, I read and educate myself while desperately wanting to share my knowledge with others. I carefully select the food and products that my family uses, etc. I think I would be a good mom and I think Dick would be a good dad. I know having a child in our home would bring a whole new world of emotions and a lot of joy.

    I have serious reservations about actually having a child though. I am leaning more towards not having one than I am towards doing it. My reservations are not about our ability to nurture them or feed them. They are not about financial restraints or about the sacrifices it would entail. My concern is about the world that I would be bringing them into. My concern is about the future of the world outside of my home.

    In my home I can control everything. I can make sure that I do not expose myself to damaging chemicals, bioengineered foods, poorly understood medications, heavy metals in my water, radon in my atmosphere, plastics in my lotions, and everything else I am constantly considering while trying to carry on with my life.

    What kid would want to live with such a crazy mom? You can picture him wrapped up in a protective suit (made with organic materials of course) can’t you? I know that’s what came to mind for most of you, right? I agree, I may be a little paranoid about things that you don’t think twice about but I feel that is exactly why I am healthy even after being diagnosed with a terminal disease.

    When I think about having children I realize that I may not have the same control over what my child is exposed to and I worry about that very much. There are little things like drinking water from the tap at school to bigger things like getting him vaccinated. I can send him to school with bottled water, that’s no big deal but what about the food; will they feed him genetically modified foods? I can’t have that; I’ll just pack his lunches. The list goes on and I am concerned about how many things may not be a choice.

    It seems like a lot of our choices are slowly fading away. So slowly in fact that I wonder how many other people even notice this. Take genetically modified grains for example. If you don’t already know this, a good majority of the soy, corn, wheat and cotton in this country is already genetically modified, meaning that the DNA of the plant has been penetrated with a bacteria laced (the bacteria is needed to penetrate the DNA) gene that is resistant to the insecticide Round Up. Company. What is worse is that our country allows plant species to be patented. The seeds from these plants are blowing over to other farms that do not use or want to use this grain and then they are facing lawsuits for having the grain. If you want more information about the outrageous practices of The Montesano Company and how our government is mismanaging our food supply, please watch the movie The Future of Food. My biggest concern about this is that no one understands the effect these genetic modifications can have on people. Our food has already been stripped of most of the nutrition in general. This is why the new food pyramid recommends twice as much fruit and vegetables as it used to; the food we eat is half as nutritious as it once was. Our government doesn’t even think it is an important of enough issue to require labeling when genetically modified foods are packaged and then sold to you for you and your family to eat.

    What about vaccinations? I’m not a fan. I believe that they contribute significantly to leukemia and I believe this is abundantly clear when you consider the rise in leukemia (especially in children) since vaccinations were required for grade school. This will be an issue if I have children. I will be one of the parents who are required to sign the special form saying that I decline vaccination for X reason. The teachers and school nurse will frown at me because of this decision. I will design a reason that fits within their parameters if I have to. Some mothers may be reading this thinking I don’t want my kid in the same school as hers, her kid may expose mine to the measles. I’m sorry but in my reality the risks outweigh the benefits. They are even vaccinating against Chicken Pox now. I had Chicken Pox as well as my brothers and sister, and my friends, we all made it through fine and with stronger immune systems I might add. Now, the forces that be are considering adding another vaccination to their list of required vaccinations. This drug earned approval by FDA just over 6 months ago and claims to prevent 70% of cervical cancer. That’s an amazing number; if 70% of cervical cancers were prevented, thousands of people would still have their mother, sister, or wife that they tragically lost to that disease. I understand that but should our children be forced to get it just 6 months after it has been approved? Quite a few law makers believe so. I wonder how close their relationship to the drug company is. This is another example of the government trying to impose the will of big business so they all make money. The HPV virus that is linked to cervical cancer is sexually transmitted, it is not transmitted because a kid blew his nose and didn’t wash his hands. This is not a decision for law makers, it is one for parents and young women.

    I believe the whole “cancer mystery” is a joke. There is no mystery about why cancer has increased so drastically in the past 60 years. For me it is so clear that it is literally scary. Look around you. We live in an entirely different world. We are being exposed to so many more toxins and pollutants because of all of our wonderful progress and technology. We have allowed ourselves to believe that processed foods, microwaves, plastics, SUVs, forced medicine, super stressed schedules, concrete jungles, and even fluoride are more productive, convenient, and even better for us. I believe many diseases should be linked directly to these things that are now such a “necessary” part of our life.

    My life revolves around doing everything possible to eliminate these so called conveniences from my life. It’s become much easier for me to do this in my little bubble that I call home. I’m sure any child of mine would quickly resent this bubble. I would hope he would honestly; I believe people should learn for themselves and experience what life has to offer. That leaves me wondering if having a child right now makes sense. While I know his home would be safe and healthy, I have serious doubts about whether his world is or ever will be again. 

    Some people even still believe that global warming is just a theory. I don’t see the outcry that I feel like I should be seeing. We are all quietly letting our choices become narrowed and slowly taken away. It started years ago with health care, insurance will only pay for the treatments that yield the greatest profits for pharmaceutical companies, then our water – fluoride is good for us, then our food – a little gene modification won’t hurt anything, the list goes on. I’m not sure adding more mouths that need feeding is a responsible decision anymore. I’ve just scratched the surface when considering the state of the world. There’s the AIDS epidemic, famine, war, genocide, serial killers, and well I think you get the picture. I’m not saying that my home and heart are not open to the possibility of adopting children; I am very open to that idea. We have enough people suffering on the planet already. I don’t feel I need to create another one to fulfill my mommy instincts.

    We live in a country that is almost divided in 2 when it comes to most of the political issues. This fascinates me and on election days after I go and vote I think about my family and friends and realize that statistically half of them cancelled out my vote while they were at the polls. I imagine adoption fits into this scenario as well. Most people probably feel that it is great we have an adoption system in place but I don’t think most people feel it is something that they want to do. I honestly feel that I would feel no different towards an adopted child than I would a child that I actually gave birth to. I have never thought about adoption and thought that it would be a possible second choice if I simply could not have children of my own. Ever since I was a little girl I have thought about adoption as a very real possibility for my family even if I am able to have children of my own. I’m not sure that all of my family and friends would feel the same way I do. Would they embrace an adopted child as fully as they would a child that shared my DNA?

    Expanding my family is not in the immediate future and I am just fine with that. I have my pets to mother. I am always trying to mother my family and friends and most of the time I get the same answer from them that you would expect to get from a kid; “Yeah, yeah, I know, I know”.

    Our country is great because we have freedom and choices. Have you noticed those choices slipping away? Do you also worry about the world we have created and the difficulty our children will face if we don’t make changes? Do you get outraged when you realize that we live in the part of the world where food is most abundant yet malnutrition is rampant? Have you even realized this yet? Now that you do realize it, what are you going to do about it? The easiest thing to do to fight genetically engineered foods and foods that are virtually barren is to buy organic exclusively.

    We cannot do great things; only small things with great love. – Mother Teresa

   

I Wish You Wellness

This may disgust you but I find myself wanting to write about how freakin' happy I am - yet again. I actually wake up every day happier than I was the day before. This isn't a feeling that I'm used to, I went through life on autopilot for so long, I guess I never really took the time to check in with myself and ask if I was really happy or not. Now, I ask myself often if I am happy and the answer is yes, I am ecstatic about my life.

I have a peace, joy, and rest that surpasses understanding. Some people describe this feeling in relation to their relationship with God and I understand exactly what they mean. For me, spirituality in only a part of what I have experienced since my cancer diagnoses. Dickie looks at me a little strange when I say this, but my struggle with cancer has brought about so many wonderful things. Facing death has a way of changing your perspective. It did for me at least, I became so much more grateful for all of the wonderful things this life offers and I had to come to terms with the fact that the only moment in life that is guaranteed to us is this one. I think this change in perspective happens often to people who have come face to face with death, you always hear about people who have had near death experiences and then changed their life completely, doing the things they always wanted and making significant changes to their lifestyle.

I guess this is happening to me. I have a whole new perspective. I talk a lot about nutrition because I never really understood how powerful and medicinal food could be before, I had a major disconnect in my thinking with regard to the things that I put in my mouth. I never chose my food based on what my nutritional needs may be, I made choices based on what I thought tasted good. When I changed this, I almost immediately started realizing the benefits of eating nutritionally rather than to satisfy my poorly trained taste buds. Now I crave nutritional foods and as I type I am enjoying a huge glass of kale, lettuce, sprout, apple, and celery juice. Some of your stomachs just turned as you visualized me drinking down this concoction but it really is delicious and more importantly, I am getting a huge rush of nutrients that my body will use to keep me feeling so fantastic.

Finding and understanding the truth about real nutrition is really just the tip of the ice-burg though. I have a whole new understanding of the things that bring true happiness to one's life. In my journey over the last couple of years I have learned so many other things with regard to truly building your health so that you can conquer everything that comes your way. It is a little difficult to explain, this happiness that I am describing, but I honestly feel it begins with accepting the fact that life always ends in death. No matter what, we are all going to die and even more importantly, we never know when that is going to happen.

This is difficult for some of you so you don't think about it. I think a lot of people think they have plenty of time before their time comes. I hope you do have plenty of time, this is a beautiful life and I hope you are all healthy and here to enjoy it for a very long time. The future is unknown though. We don't know how long our health will be here, we do not know how many more breaths are in us.

When this truth arrived at the forefront of my life, when I was faced with the very real possibility that tomorrow may not arrive, I learned just how important today is. I even realized how unimportant yesterday was. It is now much easier for me to let go of everything from the past that may have been disrupting my life today. Nothing can be done about the past, but I can affect today. I can choose to let go of any and all hurt, guilt, anxiety, or other nasty emotional baggage I may have had about the past, the past does not matter. The future will happen and you can certainly make choices in this moment that affect what could happen in the future but once you do that, nothing can be done, the future is unknown. All you can do is live today for today - this moment could be your last.

I have started to live in the moment in a very real way. I have found that I enjoy the littlest silliest things a lot more than I used to. I have started taking the time to be present in everything I do. You're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, aren't you? Well, I think many people are not present during much of what they do. They make coffee in the morning without taking just a moment to breathe in the wonderful smell and appreciate the warm feeling of their favorite mug in their hands. They drink it down without allowing themselves to really be aware of it's rich flavor dancing in their mouth. Coffee has become nothing more than an addiction in many people's life and they just drink it while on auto pilot going through to the next step of their day without taking a moment to appreciate that either. I drink coffee, it's probably not the healthiest thing I put in my body but at least while I am drinking it, I am enjoying it completely.

I think when a person lives each moment as if it were their last they begin to cherish what they are doing in each moment, every one wants to die happy, don't they? I certainly do so I now move through life a little slower than I used to, I want to be present in every one of my moments and I also have learned that I must nurture myself above all others, otherwise I cannot be available for others.

I have really focused a lot on nourishing myself with food and as you are probably painfully aware because I don't shut up about it, that has been a fabulous experience for me. In the process I find myself being exposed to things that I can do to nurture my soul and mind just like I nourish my body with food. Some of these things are acupuncture, hypnotherapy, spiritual readings, meditation, yoga, and even just walking barefoot in the grass. After reading this list of things that I say have been helpful for me in my life, you may think I am some crazy new-age kook - that may be true but I'm happy. I mean high on life kind of happy so go ahead and think I'm a kook.

These things have helped to align my chakras, keep me balanced, allow energy to flow freely, and given me a foundation for feeling calm, happy, and to share love and warmth whenever possible. My deep breathing, meditation and relaxation practices are also my connection to spirituality, it is during these exercises that I feel most connected to God. I do not call myself Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu or any other, I am simply spiritual. Some people have a hard time understanding and accepting this position. I do not know what else to say about it except I am completely at peace with my relationship to the spiritual and I accept that your beliefs may be different. I do not believe we all have to call our connection to God by the same name.

I do believe that whatever you call this connection, it can be strengthened when you practice living each moment as if it may be your last. I believe that finding true joy in life starts with finding the greatest things out of the smallest events, being grateful for every lesson you learn, every experience you have and appreciating that which is beautiful in your life.

Suddenly, after a couple of years of focusing on what I want, what I have, and being sincerely grateful for my blessings, even on the days when my blessings seemed few, I find myself with this incredible joy that I didn't understand was possible before. I have made a choice to be fully present in everything I'm doing and enjoy each and every moment I can. Sometimes it's tough; like when almost every time I pull into Whole Foods parking lot there are complete idiots blocking the way and showing no regard for other people, but even that experience has something to enjoy. I can be thankful that I have more brains in my head and I am more considerate to others than those people are. I can relax and take a couple of deep breaths (take a couple now...isn't that nice?) while I wait for people to move. That experience can be what ever I choose to make it. It's been so easy for me to choose to enjoy my life. I used to dread going to Whole Foods for this reason but I decided to spin it and make it my time, even though I am stuck in a car and it takes longer than it should, the time does not have to be completely wasted.

I have new career aspirations, I want to be a nutritional consultant. The events of my life have very much led me to understand this is what I am supposed to do with myself. It's so amazing how things work out. Opportunities are always available, we live in such a wonderful part of the world. For me opportunities to do what I want have always been available. I have not always taken advantage of them but now, as in the past opportunities always pop up.

I am currently taking advantage of a couple of those opportunities and I can't even express how happy I am about where I am at in my life. I have the opportunity to work for myself helping people with their health and nutrition. I'm taking it! Last Tuesday I started my nutrition program and within a year I will be a certified nutritionist! That's wonderful. Dick and I have also started a home based business with the vitamins we are using. They have a great business plan and within a short period of time, we will be paying for the vitamins we are using just because we introduce other people to them. I think in the long run there is a great opportunity to earn a nice income simply by sharing how passionate I am about getting quality nutrition. I see plenty of opportunity in the future to do what I think I love the most and that is getting up in front of big groups of people and giving motivational speeches.

I believe all of my dreams are coming true because I am making it so. I am living each moment to the fullest, doing the things I love and appreciating that. In turn I am getting more of the things I love. I wish I could wave a magic wand and cause the whole population to breathe deeply, slow down, truly live, and find joy in each moment. It's a wonderful feeling.

I have no concern about what comes after I am no longer physically in this world. Whatever lies beyond this life is going to be wonderful, I have no doubt, I don't know exactly why but I just know there is nothing for me to fear about death. I believe what is most important is that I live in this moment the best way I can. I am caring for myself as well as I can and that is giving me the tools to help, encourage, and inspire others. I hope I have inspired you today.

Dick and I recently watched a movie that had quite an impact on me so I want to share it with you. It is called The Secret and you can buy it at www.thesecret.tv. Get past the silly marketing they used and pay for the movie, it's really worth watching. You can watch it right on your computer or for a little more, have the DVD sent to you.

 

"Spontaneous" Healing?

I got more good news from the doctor yesterday. My counts are holding steading at just about normal. The platelets are still lower than they should be but they took a big jump in the last two weeks. I still feel fantastic which is why you have not been seeing much from me. I just have too much energy to sit and write lately.

I got my juicer and I love love love it! You name it, I'll juice it. If you haven't tried juicing before, you can get an inexpensive juicer for about $50-$75 that's good enough to give you most of the benefits of juicing. I feel great after a big glass of juice. I like celery, cucumber and apple but Dickie prefers carrot, celery, and greens. You can make all kinds of good stuff. Watermelon juice is to die for. With my new juicer, it's more efficient and I can do wheat grass or even make ice cream! Did you know wheat grass is one molecule away from human blood? That's amazing to me.

Excuse me, I got off track. So with my counts holding strong for 9 weeks without the use of drugs, my doctor and I naturally had a conversation about what is going on. No one (traditional medical experts) has predicted that this kind of change is possible and it is truly remarkable as far as the conventional world is concerned. It's not so much in the alternative world, people are healed of terrible diseases with natural techniques all the time. These "spontaneous" healings are sort of a mystery to traditional medicine and this is a bit discouraging to those of us who know there is no mystery about it.

My doctor was very excited about what my bone marrow is doing and kept saying things like I don't know why or what is happening but it appears that something is happening and it's good. I told my doctor that I would be happy to tell him what I am doing to create this change within my body but he stopped me, explaining that he knows I am interested in and employing alternative and complimentary techniques. He said that it makes sense that I would make a connection to these methods with regard to my improved health but that this is not a clinical trial and we can't be sure of anything except that there has been an incredible improvement.

I'm sorry but I absolutely can be and I am sure that I have found the right mix of things that is causing this improvement in my health. I mean, seriously, I have completely changed my life in the last couple of years. I am doing some very specific things to support my health, things that the average person is not doing. I have experienced a dramatic change in my health after employing a very specific regimen. How could there be any question about this improvement in my health? There isn't any question, the two things are obviously related. A monkey could figure that out, no disrespect but honestly...come on.

Now my doctor certainly did not say they were not related, he agreed that they could be. He did say that it is possible but he did not agree with me; that beyond a shadow of a doubt, without question, the things I am doing to support my body are causing this significant improvement in my health. They could be related? Seriously?   

In my perfect world, my doctor would have acknowledged that I have found the right prescription for my body with raw food, enzymes, superior vitamins and supplements, probiotics, and spiritual growth. In my perfect world, he would have taken careful notes regarding what I am doing and he would have been open to learning something from me and my case. He would have been ready to educate himself regarding these things, which really should not be considered alternative or complimentary, and he would have passed on his new knowledge to the rest of his patients.

His office is not my perfect world though and that is not what happened. Instead what happened is that he took some information regarding the vitamins I am using (my little miracles), and we both agreed that something is happening within my bone marrow. There is no way the Aranesp injection I had 9 weeks ago is still causing any difference in my numbers - at this point it's all me (or some unknown "spontaneous" healing action that is going on within me that is not in any way connected to my use of natural methods).

I just want to say that the supposed spontaneous healing that happens to some people who have been given death sentences with regard to dis-ease are probably not as spontaneous as the medical community makes them out to be. I imagine if these cases were closely investigated we would find that many of these people took some kind of serious action with regard to building their health in their life.

After my doctor visit yesterday, I feel qualified to say that I am one of the people who has healed themselves naturally. I certainly feel healed in this moment and this is the only moment that is important. Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, and today is a gift - that's why they call it the present! I don't know if any of the people reading this are suffering from any type of dis-ease but if you are, please take the advice of someone who has experienced a major improvement in their life - focus on building health. Stop trying to fight your disease and start building your health instead. Shift your focus.

My new website is ready please check it out at  http://crystalmontoya.typepad.com/journey_to_health/ I hope it is full of ideas you can use to start building health in your life. Even if you are not sick and you simply want to preserve your health, you should be able to find information and resources for doing that on this site. I am planning on continuing to update it. If you know anyone with poor health who is trying to improve it, please forward this link.

The site is not perfect, I'm still working on it so please forgive any typos and misspellings. If I wait until it is perfect to make it public, it will never be published. Dick and I have become distributors for USANA (my little miracles) and we would be happy to help you get started with vitamin supplementation so please contact us if you are interested and I will continue to add more information about these incredible supplements as I can.

I wish you all wellness.

This post contains graphic images.

I was talking to one of my very favorite people on the phone last night and she was telling me about a man she knows who is devastated because his father never told him he loved him as he was growing up. This person's father was a hard ass and never showed him any love - at least not emotionally. This father did provide this child with every material thing he could possibly want. My friend was irritated because this person felt that his father's lack of expressing love to him was very detrimental to his well being. This person was deeply affected by his experience.

My friend thought that this was a very small problem in the whole scheme of things. This man, now grown, has his own beautiful children, is a prominent business owner, has no concerns about money or health and in my friend's opinion, should be happy with all that he has. He has no right to wallow when his only problem is that he was not shown affection from his father.

My friend compared his situation to mine, I grew up with an abusive step mother, my family struggled financially, alcoholism was a major factor in my childhood, and I had to work hard for every bit of money I ever got; nothing was handed down to me like it was in her friend's case. Then I got cancer. My friend feels that my experiences make me entitled to complain and wallow, if I choose to. I somehow have more of a right than her friend does to complain and be affected by life's experiences. She feels my experiences have been much more difficult than those of her friend.

My friend used a couple of other examples where she felt people were complaining about issues they had no right to complain about. From where she is sitting those people's problems would be a nice set of problems to have and if their issue is the worst thing they have endured, they are doing pretty well. I stuck up for these people saying that all people have their own lowest low and highest high. If the worst thing their life experience has presented them with is feeling unloved by their parent, then for them that's the worst thing they have ever felt, therefore of course, it is going to seem significant to them. It's all about perspective.

My friend started to agree...okay, yeah I guess each person does have their own reality and the worst thing that has ever happened to them will seem pretty bad to them - even if that worst thing is only that their father did not show them affection. She only bought into that for a moment though - she's a tough cookie. She feels that it's pretty easy to see that this is not that bad, all you have to do is look at the world around you. She felt that it's okay to be hurt or disappointed by something like that but then you should learn from it, count your blessings, and move on. It's really very small when you look at the struggles other people have endured.

I listened to and admired my friend while she stated her case, thinking the whole time that I have never heard her actually complain about anything in the years that I have known her. This is a woman who has had struggle after struggle in her life - loss after loss. I honestly cannot even comprehend how she has survived the struggles she has faced in her life. I marvel at how she can be so sympathetic to my struggles when, in my opinion her burdens are far greater than mine have ever been. I will not share her specifics but I will tell you that this very beautiful and strong woman has had to carry more pain than most other people I know. Yet, I have NEVER heard her complain. I've helped her cry and face situations but she has never said anything like why me or this isn't fair. She simply faces situations, and I'm talking about  really serious losses and struggles, not your run of the mill stuff. This woman comes through these things and counts her blessings again and again. Then she looks around her and normally has deep compassion for others, last night was an exception. She will help anyone, give everyone a chance, and is generous almost to a fault. If she has something, she wants everyone around her to have it too.

This conversation I had with her really got me thinking. What causes some people to stop and wallow in self pity regarding an experience and another to get past it, learn from it, and count their blessings? Does a person develop more compassion when they themselves have endured greater pain? Is it that the more pain you endure, the more you are capable of sympathizing with others? If this is the case, then it seems that the greater pain you endure, the better person you will become. And if that is true, then it seems for the greater good of all, the whole world should endure great pain, suffering, and loss. This will create a deeper compassion within all of us and that would mean we would automatically share our blessings with others rather than hoard them for ourselves, right? Maybe, but I do not wish pain and suffering upon the world. I also do not believe you have to experience great pain in order to have compassion.

Is there a way to awaken the compassion that is already within people? Maybe enough people aren't exposed to the pain and suffering that is in the world around them. Out of sight, out of mind. They are so invested in their own self that they don't think about the rest of the world in their everyday life. For example when they cannot afford to go out to a nice restaraunt with their friends and they are upset about it, would they look at the situation differently if they thought about this child and the fact that this child will NEVER visit a restaraunt in what will likely be their short life? How often does that person who can't afford to eat out think about the people in this photograph? They are real people, this picture is recent, taken in March of 2005. Do enough Americans consider these people when they are upset about the events of their life? I do. I think about them everyday. So many people have expressed their sympathy and compassion for me and for my struggles. I don't have any problems. My situation is unbelievably wonderful. I have more blessings than I can even start to count. So do you, you are sitting at a computer reading this right now, that alone means that you have WAY more than many people around the world do.

I know the people reading this have the kind of compassion I am talking about. You are the people who have shown me great compassion; given me your time, money, and hearts. You share whatever you can, you have for me and I am confident you do for others as well.

I see more television than I like to admit and I often see advertisements for beauty products, rediculously expensive vehicles, perfumes, jewelry, and countless other meaningless, material things. There must be a pretty big market for this stuff or these companies would not be spending so much money to produce and market it. The Today Show did an entire segment this morning on hair up-dos. They hired hair experts, showed gorgeous women who started out with "bad hair" that looked fine to me, and pinned it up in various ways to provide them with a whole new and "improved" look. Think about hair for a minute. How big of an industry is the "hair" industry? There are countless gizmos, gadgets, products, and experts with regard to hair. We color it, curl it, straighten it, add extensions to it, put stuff in it, buy accesories for it, and complain about it. We are envious of other people's hair and for many people in America, Canada, England, and other developed countries, hair is a huge industry. I used to invest hours of my time and hundreds of my dollars into my hair. I know how important one's hair can seem. I got over it a couple of years ago when I lost all of my hair during chemo. Now, I'm just really happy to have some hair. I pretty much just wash it and let it do what it wants. I rarely even pull out a hair dryer, curling iron, or product for it anymore. I am actually sort of embarrassed at the importance my hair once played in my life. What if every person in the developed world were willing to give up all of their hair products for an entire year? If every person just used shampoo on their hair and absolutely nothing else, how much money would we have to feed the children who are so malnourished, they don't even have hair?

It really is about perspective isn't it? Unfortunately the people who need to read this probably won't. They're out there so wrapped up in their own world that they do not find time for others. There are many of them out there too. People who are so worried about their things, their life, and their problems that they couldn't possibly make room for anything else. They have themselves so stressed out about things that, when it really comes down to it, mean absolutely nothing in life. Cars, clothes, make up, gadgets, curtains, hair, jewlery, weddings, pimples, the list of things that I have personally seen people have melt downs about goes on. I bet as I write this, there is a woman somewhere in the developed world having a complete melt down, crying and carrying on because she broke a nail. Seriously - I bet it's happening somewhere right now.

I wonder if this precious little baby has ever seen a set of perfectly manicured nails. The kind that are  long, red, sparkly, and have little gemstones pressed into them. What would this sweet child think about those kind of fingernails? Would she even be able to comprehend that the person attached to them paid someone else to apply artificial nails, file and smooth them before cautiously applying toxic paint to them, and perfectly placing the plastic jewels in them? This child would probably think this was some kind of strange person who can magically grow these amazing, colorful, and sparkling fingernails, this child might even think she was some kind of God. This baby's name is Raghu, how many meals would Raghu eat if that woman decided to donate the money she paid to have that manicure done? How much is a manicure like that? $50, $60, maybe $70? That's a lot of rice. I don't personally know anyone who wears this kind of manicure but I see them when I'm out and about. I'm kind of amazed by them, I don't understand the expense but I can understand that some people do. Please don't be offended if you are this person, who wears this manicure. I am sure you also share your fortunes when you can. I don't feel that people should not have blessings or enjoy them. They should. This is a wonderful world and we are fortunate to have opportunities and wealth within reach. Strive for it, work hard to get it, and by all means enjoy your successes.

There's just a lot of people who have so much but give so little. Their problems are so small compared to so many others, yet they complain. I have really motivated myself here to get out and give even more. I want to try and give other people my time, love, and sometimes even material things or money. I am always aware of the poverty in third world countries. I am saddened by it and I am aware that there are many people who were simply born into pain and struggles that I will never really understand. I want to help these people but the most I have done for them is buy products that I see which are produced by the poor people in their poor countries. I don't know who to trust to give my money to to help them so I buy things like hand made clothing and shoes, lotions and I even bought some banana vinegar that was made by the people of Costa Rica. I wonder if these Costa Rican residents helped to make my banana vinegar, which is delicious by the way. I feel there is a lot to do in our own backyard. I see people sleeping in San Diego on old, dirty matresses, or less, right down the street from where I live - in my own driveway actually.

I'm not scolding anyone for having things or caring about their hair. I have more than I need, I have and enjoy material things, I like to doll myself up on occasion. I could give more than I do. I just wonder if the people around us, as a whole, realize just how much they have. All of us should be willing to lose it. We should all be prepared and willing to lose everything we have, our houses, cars, furniture, gadgets and every other material thing. Those are not the things that make you who you are. You will survive without them. These are not the most important things you have; your health, your mind, your love, and your relationships are much more important.

When I leave this place and the people I leave behind remember me, I pray they remember what I gave in my life, rather than what I had. I hope when I look back and reflect on the time I spent here, I can reflect on helping to make people happier and healthier in some way. I still have a long way to go but I have come to a place in my life where I know that the joy of giving far outweighs the joy of getting. I do not have any struggles compared to so many others and I will always try to share my blessings, rather than hoard them. Maybe I'll create a ripple effect of love and sharing and that will help more people than I'll ever realize. One thing is certain, no matter how big my struggles get, there will always someone who has endured and overcome way more.   

Written By My Good Friend, John Marshall

Rememberin'

Life and death, energy and peace, if I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes, that I have made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it for having been allowed to walk where I've walked. Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it and above...

Rest In Peace, John.

Geographic Luck

When I woke up this morning I was lying in an extremely comfortable bed, next to a man that I adore, and I felt good. Unlike most of you, I didn’t even have to worry about getting up and going to work. I walked through my home, used the toilet in my cute little bathroom, and ate a wonderful organic banana. I talked to my sweet pets and checked my email. Just after I opened the bedroom blinds and watched the sunshine flow through the crystal sitting there, splattering rainbows around the room it struck me how lucky I am and how wonderful my life is.

Then my mind flashed to an image of a poor African child, a child with rags barely covering her body and flies on her face. I really started to consider just how lucky I am. I was born with my basic needs already met. I am an American with rights and responsibilities. I get to choose my path in life. My basic needs were met since the time I was born. I have never had to worry about food, clothing, shelter, or even safety for that matter. Actually, I have had to worry about it to some extent but the way I have worried about it has been very different from the way that baby in Africa worries about it.

I am lucky to have been born in America where we really enjoy a nicer set of problems than many people around the world do. I grew up in an average American household where money was tight but I always had my basic needs met. There were times when we lived with relatives or they lived with us and our home was cramped. We even had to go to the food bank a couple of times and drink powdered milk. I was mortified by some of the hand me downs I had to wear. I had government insurance glasses which were not pretty but I had glasses. I had real milk most of the time. I had clothes that were not torn up rags, they may not have been popular, but they were clean and in good condition.

I would have to say that most people born in America have always had their basic needs met or have at least had the opportunity to get them met. The resources are available to most people to get their very basic needs met; food, shelter, and clothing. Many parts of the world are not this lucky, not even close.

In other parts of the world there are grown people who have never known what it is like to use a toilet that flushes. Indoor plumbing is the last thing a person is worried about. Keeping their family safe; protecting their women from rape, their children from bullets, and their men from torture is priority #1. Then they have to worry about finding substance; food in a land where food is nearly impossible to acquire. If they can achieve this, their next mission I imagine would be building shelter to protect themselves from the elements. If they can achieve safety, food, and shelter then they have to find a way to keep themselves fed and healthy in the face of malnutrition and an out of control AIDS epidemic. They do not have the opportunity for education. They can’t just sign their kids up at the local public school.   

I not only had the opportunity to go to school as a child but there were choices about which school I wanted to go to for free. I could have earned a scholarship to go to college and even further my education. I had access to everything I possibly needed to learn to read and write. What an amazing gift I received just because I was born where I was.

I have never known what it is like to really need. I have done plenty of wanting while I thought I was needing but my perspective was through the eyes of someone who was born in the United States where I have really always expected that at a minimum, my very basic needs would be met. I feel I am entitled to them. I think most people who are born in America feel some entitlement to having the most basic of needs met.

The systems that are in place for the mentally ill, disabled, elderly, and drug addicts may be flawed but we are actually lucky enough to have an abundance of resources available, flawed as they are. As American children, we basically learn you have to get a job and go to work to get the money you need to pay for your house, car, food and all your things. The more money you make the better your life will be because you will be able to afford better things.

I wonder what I would learn growing up as a child in a place where hunger, disease, thirst, and fear were my reality. Would I ever be able to take things for granted like I do now? I think about how different my reality could be and I am thankful for my blessings. I wonder why I got so lucky. I don’t only have my basic needs met but I have abundance in my life. I am happy.

Having that experience this morning, made me realize that I have so much more than so many people. Thinking about people from other parts of the world who couldn’t even imagine eating 3 meals per day, sleeping in a comfortable bed, and indoor plumbing made me appreciate everything I have even more.

Who am I to be so blessed? I am simply geographically, in a better place. I not only have my basic needs met but I have so much beyond that. I have so many people that care for me and my well being. These people are wonderful and I am lucky enough to care about them in return. I have been given the opportunity to acquire the knowledge and I have the resources available to improve my health, in the face of a terminal disease, simply because I was born in a place where my basic needs have always been met and the people around me care enough and were able to help with any of my needs that have not been met, all I had to do is ask.

Do you ever think about this? Do you ever realize how lucky you are because of where you were born? In some places around the world these resources are simply not available. People there cannot expect that their government would simply intervene and meet their most basic needs. Those people spend their entire existence simply trying to survive. If they are unfortunate enough to get a deadly disease, they die. I imagine that I would most likely be dead if I were born in, let’s say Darfur. I don’t think the resources would be available for me to even get a diagnosis for my disease, let alone blood transfusions to treat it. I would have been weak and unable to function so my family would have no choice but to help make my dying as comfortable as possible.

Thinking about the struggles that other people around the world face, has made me realize that even the worst problems people face here, where it is almost impossible not to get your most basic needs met are a very different set of problems, a very different reality. I am ashamed of the times I have felt that life was unfair, especially when I felt that way because of material things that I wanted and could not get. I have at times in my life felt entitled to material things because I thought that I had worked hard enough to deserve them. I never really considered just how fortunate I was to actually have a job that paid me enough money to have a home with indoor plumbing. In some parts of the world having a job that pays you enough to not only eat and get access to medical care, but would also afford you the ability to sit on a toilet and flush is not even a part of the wildest dreams of the people.  

I guess it is all about perspective. I can’t really blame people who feel that life is unfair because they are driving some unreliable jalopy. Their perspective is that of a person who just happened to be lucky enough to be born in a place where they had all of their very basic needs met from the beginning of their life. They learned that it is their right to have them met.

There are a lot of people around the world who would give anything to have my set of problems. They would look at me and think I live like a queen. They would trade their problems for mine or probably yours without a second thought. I wish I could do something to directly help those people. I can’t. What I can do is appreciate all that I have. I can be completely aware of just how lucky I am. Each time I flip on a light switch I can remember that many people have never known what that is like. I can choose to never take my fortune for granted again.

If I am able to do this, to truly appreciate everything I have, I do not think I could ever be bold enough to want more. My basic needs are covered and I know they always will be no matter what happens. If I somehow became homeless and destitute I know that there are resources available and if I just choose to use them, it is very unlikely I will ever starve to death. Because my needs are met and I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, I have the luxury to develop my skills and intellect. What an amazing gift most of us have without even really understanding it.

Imagine what your life would be like if you were born into to one of the impoverished parts of the world. What would you complain about if you grew up there? Thinking about this just gave me an entirely new appreciation for all that I have. I suddenly feel like the luckiest woman on earth and that feels amazing. I don’t need any more than I have right now and honestly don’t really want any more than I have. I know some people that have so much more than I do but they are still not happy and they want so much more.

I find myself having an elevated sense of appreciation for everything today. The clothes I am wearing, the food I am eating, the sunshine I am enjoying, the car I am about to drive to the doctor’s office I am about to go to. I hope you feel as lucky as I do, it’s an amazing feeling.

It Takes A Village

There's a new skateboard gang in town. There are about 6 of them and boy, are they menacing. They range in age from about 7 to 12 years old, most of them closer to 7. My first encounter with them was yesterday evening when I heard loud yelling outside and went to my front screen door to see what was the matter.

The first thing I saw was a perfect miniature of Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin, a 7 year old boy with the most beautiful little face surrounded by long, wild, wavy blonde hair. He was looking just like a skateboard gangsta with his tight "emo" pants, some cool skate shoes, a black tee shirt, and his tiny little skateboard in hand. He was also looking a little scared.

As I continued to approach the door I saw the child the yelling was coming from, a 12 year old with a huge mop of black curls on his head, wearing the same "uniform" and yelling at someone I could not see yet. As I stood there the person he was yelling at appeared into my line of vision and I was a little surprised to see a grown woman. None of them saw me watching. She was threatening this child, swearing at him, and having a complete hissy fit. I have no idea what this child did to agitate her but whatever it was, she handled the situation poorly, ending her tirade with a threat that her husband would be back to "kick all of their asses".

The little guy was standing near this woman and the 12 year old was down the sidewalk a little further. The woman stopped and told the little guy that he should not hang out with the other one because he's bad news. I watched as this little guy, obviously not used to showing any disrespect towards a grown woman, but also very angry at her for talking to his friend the way she did and telling him not to be friends with him, took a big breath and said with very strong conviction "He's my best friend and I don't like the way you talked to him!"

The woman didn't like this and said to him "Well I guess he's the one who told you to have that ridiculous haircut!" and stormed off. I don't really know because I do not have children of my own but it seems to me that if you want to get through to a child, correct their behavior, and make them consider their actions; screaming, cussing, threatening, and insulting them would not be the best approach.

The beautiful child stood there, having no idea I was there watching him, considering what to do. He took a big breath and his lips moved but nothing came out, I could tell he was considering whether or not to scream profanity at her. Then I watched as his final decision came clear, he looked around, still not noticing me, took a big breath and spewed out the two worst cuss words that are known to man. The F word followed by the worst word you can possibly call a woman, the one that starts with a C.

I watched the whole thing and knew that whatever the situation was, this was probably this little boy's first experience with using these words towards an adult. I could tell as the whole thing unfolded that he was afraid to do it and he should have been. As soon as the words finished coming out of his mouth, I screamed "Hey!" in a very loud, authoritative voice and I think the kid almost soiled his pants, I scared him so bad. He looked at me with big amber eyes and started to take off.

I went outside and said "Wait a minute, I want to talk to you." "What?" with attitude was the reply I got. They had moved further down the sidewalk where the rest of their 7 year old gangstas had been waiting for them and as I approached, I explained that I'm totally cool with the skateboarding thing, I know it's not a crime and I told them that I thought they should work hard at it and get really good. I also told the gorgeous kid that I loved his long hair, I didn't have a problem with any of that.

I told this little boy that the reason I came out was because I couldn't stand to hear those horrible words come out of his handsome little mouth. I told him that no matter what that woman did, there was no excuse for that language. He protested "You should have heard what she said to my best friend!" and I replied "I did see some of it but I really did not know what that was about, it doesn't matter what she said, she is an adult and he was a child. The use of those words was totally unacceptable." Again he protested "But she was so mean to my best friend, you should have heard what she was saying!" I asked "Did she call him those two words?" The child looked down and said "no."

I told him that it broke my heart to see such a handsome young man using such horrible language and that I know he's better than that, then I turned and started walking back towards my house. Before I got to my door he yelled "Sorry about the inconvenience, Ma'am!" Not knowing if he was sincere and dismayed in the fact that I have become a Ma'am, I chuckled a little and came in.

I don't know if my interaction with this child had any effect on him. I know I scared the heck out of him right after he spewed out that vile statement. Maybe, now he'll wait a couple more years before he's comfortable using that kind of language, maybe not. I also don't know what these children did to make the woman mad but from my observation she was just as guilty as they were for screaming, using disgusting language, and threatening them with violence. I don't think that's what people mean when they say it takes a village to raise a child.

Children need guidance and it is pretty obvious that this group of tiny gangstas are not getting as much guidance as they need. It's my opinion that if they were, they would not be out at 6:30 in the evening at 7 years old, causing grown women to throw hissy fits. Is screaming and threatening them the answer? I don't think so, I think that just makes them dislike grown ups more. I hope they thought that even though I'm a Ma'am, I may be worth listening to because I approached them with kindness even though I gave them a firm talking to. I do believe it takes a village to raise a child but I would not want that woman who threatened to have her husband beat up a bunch of 7 year olds in my village. If what they did was bad enough to warrant the reaction she gave them, then I think she should have taken them to their parents or even called the police. Threatening to have my husband beat them up would have never entered my mind.

The Man At The Bank

I made a new friend today. He was in line in front of me at the bank. He was only about 5 feet tall but his spirit towered over everyone else in line. He made a mundane task like standing in line at the bank seem like a grand celebration. He was asking the girl assisting people in line with their deposits slips, if she knew about Cinco De Mayo and when I walked up, he asked me the same. I told him I did know and he congratulated me for knowing, even though I'm not Mexican.

Then he handed me a slip of paper with writing on it and assured me it was written in English. I stuffed it in my purse because I was trying to fill out deposit slips. My new friend was very talkative and asked me where I was from. I told him Seattle and he broke into Perry Como's Seattle, singing like he can...

The bluest skies you've ever seen are in seattle
And the hills the greenest green, in seattle
Like a beautiful child, growing up, free an' wild
Full of hopes an' full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears
Full of dreams to last the years, in seattle
. . . in seattle!

Most of the people in line were looking at him with disgust and agitation but I loved him. We kept talking and I found out his name is Vince. Vince told be about his teeth. He used to have ten of his very own and he wished he still had them. His family talked him into getting dentures and he can't wear them because he chokes, so he can't sing as well as he used to when he had own ten teeth. He then decided to show me an example of this with Dean Martin's Ain't That A Kick In The Head

How lucky can one guy be
I kissed her and she kissed me
Like the fella once said
Ain't that a kick in the head

I knew a little bit of this one so I joined in! Now the people in line at the bank were really showing how annoying they thought this was, there were heavy sighs and people were shifting their weight impatiently. I'm sorry to those of you who had to endure Vince and I singing, I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but we had fun. He explained that he is much better with his teeth and then told me that he didn't think Sophia Loren was aging very well. He said he was 73 and he looks better that she does, she's the same age. He asked me if I agreed and I did, he was aging better than Sophia Loren and then he got called to the window so my conversation with Vince ended. The old biddy behind me gave out this big sigh and muttered "he's finally gone!" under her breath. I turned toward her direction and muttered "I like him" under my breath and then was immediately called to the window.

I did my banking and then returned home and read what Vince had given me while we were standing in line. This is what it says:

I'm Different

I'm different. In all the world there's nobody like me. Since the beginning of time, there has never been another person like me. Nobody has my smile. Nobody has my eyes, my nose, my hands, my voice. I'm special. No one can be found who has my handwriting. Nobody anywhere has my tastes for food or music or art. No one sees things just as I do. In all of time there's been no one who laughs like me, no one cries like me. And what makes me laugh and cry will never produce identical laughter and tears from anybody else, ever. No one reacts to any situation just as I would react. I'm unique, I'm the only one in all of creation who has my set of abilities. Oh, there will always be somebody who is better at one of the things I'm good at, but no one in the universe can reach the quality of my combination of talents, ideas, abilities, and feelings. Like a room full of musical instruments, some may excel alone but none can match the symphony sound when all are played together. I'm a symphony! Through all of eternity no one will ever look like me, talk, walk, think or do things as I do because I'm special. I'm rare. And, in all rarity, there is great value. Because of my great rare value, I need not attempt to imitate others. I will accept yes, and celebrate my differences. I'm unique. And I'm beginning to realize that it is no accident that I'm different. I'm beginning to see that God made me different for a very special purpose. He must have a job for me that no one else can do as well as I. Out of all the billions of applicants, only one is qualified, only one has the right combination of what it takes! That one is me! Because...I'm different, unique, and special!

I think today, Vince's very special job was to lift my spirits, make me smile, and most of all make me sing. He did an excellent job of completing his task and I just want to thank him.

The other people in line at the bank today didn't see how wonderful and uplifting this person was, they only saw a crazy old man and instead of choosing to give him a couple minutes to talk to him and learn what a wonderful fellow he is, they chose to be annoyed and impatient with him. I made the right choice today by talking to Vince and I was blessed with these wonderful words, words to live by, because of it.

What Do You Believe?

Your thoughts become your words and your words become your actions. A couple of weeks ago when I first wrote about this, I got a lot of feedback from people who were really inspired by what I wrote. To hear that I've inspired someone is the ultimate compliment for me. Thank you.

I believe I missed something when I was writing about that process though. I do believe your thoughts become your words and your words become your actions. I believe it with my entire being. Where do your thoughts come from though? How is this most important part of the equation determined?

I believe it starts the the moment you are born. The beliefs you develop as a child are what determine the thoughts you have later in life. The things you hear from and see your parents, caregivers, other family, and teachers doing. They told you what you were suppose to believe regarding your morals, your abilities, how you should approach the world, and what was good and bad behavior. They most likely told you what your religious beliefs and lifestyle should be. These behaviors and ideas that they taught you they reinforced for you throughout your young life. They punished you when you did something that they felt was wrong and they rewarded when you did something they thought was right. They trained you to take on their beliefs as your own and they became your reality.

I don't think we really look at the things that go to the core of our belief systems very often and evaluate where those beliefs stemmed from. We just know that we believe what we believe and most of us hold onto those beliefs with all that we have because they are our foundation, our reality. To shake up what we have always known to be true and look at the possibility that maybe the beliefs you were trained to have are not right for your life would be difficult and it might even mean you have to stand up against those people who you trusted so blindly as a baby and child. You may have to say I don't share the beliefs you taught me to have. Doing this could cause turmoil and tension between you and those people.

Unfortunately some people learned as a child that they were useless, stupid, and unwanted. They learned to believe that they are not lovable. They learned in some cases that using drugs and alcohol excessively is the best way to cope with problems. They learned not to have a work ethic, but rather do everything possible to work the system to get by. Their worlds, their beliefs, their realities never included messages like you are talented, beautiful, smart, and anything is   possible for you in this great country. They grew up believing that they were not valuable or deserving of affection. They may have grown up believing that a junk food diet is perfectly okay. They may believe that relationships and family have very little significance in life because that's what they learned from the people that taught them the things they were suppose to believe.

These people who grew up with so many negative beliefs cannot possibly be expected to go out into the world and just automatically change those thoughts to positive ones, can they? It would mean that they would have to change the things they know to be true from the beginning of their life. They would have to accept that some of the major truths and realities they have are wrong. A belief is something that goes to your core, the foundation of your being. To change that, you have to accept that what you have known to be an absolute truth for your entire life is actually wrong. This is very significant and I am sure many people are not willing or able to do it.

You end up with people who believe they are worthless, they are not capable of achieving great things, they are ugly, and they have no talent. You have people who believe these things to the fiber of their soul. Then they go out into the real world and try to survive. They have no self esteem and the thoughts they have about themselves are negative because of the negative beliefs that they absorbed when they were developing as children and into adults.

Other people look at their lives and decide that they're stupid, they're lazy, they aren't using the potential they have, they're weak and so on. It's very easy to look at someone who is not doing the things we believe they should and just decide that the person is flawed. I really don't want to believe there are that many people who are flawed, I have to think that it is their beliefs that are flawed, not the actual person.

Many of you have probably known a person with these flawed beliefs. They are that same person I talked about before who never gets a break in life, they are unlucky, and the world is out to get them. You may have tried to tell this person that's it's simply not true. You can see the beauty they process and you have witnessed the talents that they so obviously have, you tell them that they are wonderful. Then you may get frustrated because they continue on the same path of self destruction, you can plainly see that the choices they make have led them to this place of utter chaos and negativity. You just wish this person would stop being so negative, you know they are bringing this pathetic life on themselves. You may have even given up on a couple of these people in your life. I have. I never really thought about what other people's core beliefs and realities are before. I never truly realized until recently that my reality is not the same as other people's, that we each have our own very individual reality.

When you really think about this, then it's a little easier to understand that your telling this person who believes to the core of their being that they're worthless, it's not true, that in fact they are wonderful and talented might be sort of like trying to convince them that the color these words are typed in is blue. What would you say to me if I was absolutely convinced that this was blue and you should also believe that this is blue? I'm sure I would be unable to convince you. You have believed that this is red since you could grasp the concept of colors. Imagine trying to change that belief. From this day on, believing this was blue. Even if you decided to change the belief that this is red, it would be seriously difficult to implant this new belief into your brain. You have gone for your entire existence knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is red.

I imagine it has to be a lot like that for these people who grew up with the belief that they have nothing to offer. How do you take something that is just second nature, that just is as far as someone's beliefs go and expect them just to easily be able to change it? After pondering this it will be very difficult for me to just write any person off as lazy, stupid, or inherently flawed.

The difference between me trying to tell you the words above are blue and that you're actually a wonderful person is that everyone believes the words above are red. This is a truth and reality that every one of us (unless you're color blind) knows to be an absolute truth. When it comes to beliefs that we have about ourselves, it's very different. We know what our parents told us, we know what we believe and then we perceive messages from the outside world about what they believe. These perceptions can be very misleading, especially when our core foundation is rooted in negativity. I imagine the person with low self worth going out into the world, that person could have been me at one time. I imagine them getting looks from people and perceiving them as negative, I imagine that person thinking they think I'm ugly, they're judging my appearance, they would never want to know me.

Now of course these are simply the thoughts that this person perceives others have. That is probably not even close to the truth but because of their foundation, because the people who brought them to the world didn't show them love, acceptance, and encouragement, their belief is that no one would. How does one change this?

I imagine they would first need to have enough people telling them they were wrong. They would have to have their belief challenged again and again. They would have to have valid arguments presented that contradicted their belief. If everyone I talked to told me that this was blue, if people were smiling at me and encouraging me to believe that this was blue, everyday for a year then it's possible my belief may slowly change and I might be open to the possibility that this is blue.

I wonder how many people whose belief systems are flawed ever receive enough of these messages to actually be able to change their core belief? I imagine one of the biggest obstacles to this is the people they surround themselves with. People gravitate towards like minded people. They are most comfortable with people who share many of their same beliefs. So I imagine the people with flawed beliefs do the same thing. They find people who also feel that they are unworthy and they have negative thoughts, which lead to negative words which result in negative actions. We all remember the saying you are known by the company that you keep. I agree wholeheartedly with this.

I bet in some cases if the person with flawed beliefs simply changed the people they spent time with, found new positive people to associate with; many of their beliefs would just naturally evolve into beliefs that are similar to the beliefs of their new optimistic friends. This is easier said than done though because this may mean that you have to break off relationships with your parents, other family, and long time friends. That can't be easy.

I guess I just wanted to expound on this because last time I wrote about negative thoughts, I overlooked this key element. Our thoughts come from our beliefs. I simply said that if the radio station in your head is feeding you negative thoughts about yourself then change the station. I didn't discuss how to go about doing such a difficult task. This is something that I feel I can speak about because I did it myself. I had a key person who was responsible for shaping a lot of my beliefs giving me negative messages as a child. When I became a young adult, those messages affected me. My beliefs were flawed. Luckily, I had enough people challenging my beliefs and giving me valid arguments that I was wrong. Those people who did believe in me and love me challenged my flawed  beliefs enough that I separated myself from the person who was giving me the negative messages. Now without getting the negative messages and getting positive ones from other people I was prepared to handle the revelation that what I believed was wrong. I went to counseling to help me work through and really change the belief I used to have into a new reality that I was worthy, completely lovable, capable, and talented. I went through this process while I was still very young thankfully. I was able to change these flawed beliefs before I was 20 years old. I don't know where I would be if I had not altered some of the beliefs I had in that early part of my life. I know I would have a very different reality than the one I enjoy today.

I know it sounds easy to think positive thoughts for those of us that generally have positive thoughts come naturally. Those positive thoughts don't come naturally to everyone. Even someone like me who has been through a change in their beliefs can easily forget this. Today I take a vow to never dismiss people as flawed again. I will consider their beliefs and where those beliefs came from. I will remember that it's very possible the messages they received that shaped what they believe about themselves were all negative. I will do everything I can to encourage those people, to tell them again and again how talented and beautiful they are even when it seems they will never believe it. I won't give up on people because their beliefs are flawed. I will try to be one of the people who are able to challenge that belief enough to open their mind to the possibility it could be wrong.

I know I'll still get frustrated with these people because what I can see so clearly, they may never see. I will possibly want to give up on them or decide it's not worth my time to try and change the beliefs they so strongly hold. I won't give up though and I will continue to invest my time because if I am able to challenge their beliefs enough and present my argument in just the right way, I may be able to open their mind a little and they may learn that their belief is in fact flawed. I will find people out in public who obviously have low self esteem and I will give them genuine compliments, hoping that a random word of kindness is enough to make them start to evaluate their flawed beliefs.

Can you imagine if we all did that? What if all of us who do know that all people are special and worthy reached out a helping hand to someone who doesn't believe that and we never gave up on them? What if we all decided to start putting twice as much energy into lifting people's spirits up than we currently do? What if we all went out of our way to find things that these people with flawed beliefs have done well and made a really big deal about it? What if we all vowed not to give up on these people no matter how frustrated they made us, no matter how many bad decisions they made, no matter how much they wallow in self pity? What if we accepted that it was their core beliefs that were wrong and not them and made a resolution to make this person see all of their positive qualities? What if we invited them into our positive and uplifting families and circle of friends?

Do you think we could make a difference in our community, our country, or even in the world? If we were able to affect the people who think negative, speak negative, and act negative causing them to revert to positive, would that change our world? I think if enough of us resolved to try and do this we could. We could change some of the energy flows around us. We could create a more positive thinking workplace or community and that could cause profound differences in our life. We may no longer have to listen to someone telling us how much their life sucks, we wouldn't have to absorb their negative energy just because we ended up in a conversation with them. We may be able to affect them enough by challenging their flawed beliefs about themselves that instead when you talk to them, they lift you up and exude positive energy for you to absorb.

It's just an interesting thought and something that I am going to practice in my life, no matter how frustrated and annoyed I get at someone. I'm sure I annoyed and frustrated some of the people in my life that first tried to make me see that my beliefs regarding my self worth were flawed. They didn't give up on me. I know some cases are harder to crack than others but that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying.

I actually really believe we could cause serious changes in the energy around us by doing this. If we gave the grumpy, stressed out person in front of us in line at the grocery store a genuine compliment and that made them smile, then you would no longer be subject to the powerful negative energies they were just exuding. Instead you would get positive energy from them and that would brighten both of your days. It might even cause that person to perform a random act of kindness and put more positive energy into the world. Of course it's possible that you could offer up the compliment and be told to go screw yourself by the person you gave it to but still nothing has been lost as long as you don't allow yourself to be affected by that negativity.

Some people may not be interested in changing their beliefs. They may be so closed to the idea that it's possible their beliefs are wrong that they ask you to stop trying to change their beliefs and uplift them. In this case you have no choice but to stop. We have all encountered the missionaries from different religions knocking on our door trying to convince us that our beliefs are wrong and theirs are right. Sometimes a belief goes so deep that nothing will change it and sometimes we think there is absolutely nothing wrong with our current beliefs. It's the people out there who tell me or give me hints they want to change, they want to think differently about themselves that I will focus on and will not give up on, like so many others in their life have. I wonder if I will provoke a change in the energy flows around me, I just have to believe I will.

 

A Friend is Like a 4 Leaf Clover, Hard to Find, Lucky to Have

I have some of the most wonderful friends in the world. People who would literally do anything for me and who I would literally do anything for. I don't know how many people can say that. All I know is that I am truly blessed to have all of the friends I do and that they and my family are my number one priority in life. I didn't always put my friends first, it used to be my work and career that I was most concerned with. This was an extreme error in judgment on my part and I have let a couple of wonderful people slip from my life because I did not put any effort into letting them know that they were wonderful, I was too busy with work.

Friends are priceless, I would rather have a really good friend than all the money in the world. Money can't console you when you need it or celebrate with you when it's appropriate. Money doesn't encourage you to go for it or tell you when your judgment might be a little off. Money doesn't come get you when you need a day out or bring you blackberries and cream when you need a day in. Money doesn't come help you clean your house when you can't do it yourself and make you a grilled cheese sandwich in the process. Money doesn't send you a card just to say it loves you and it's thinking about you. Money won't help you when you're sick and puking and still love you just as much. Money doesn't make you a hand carved walking stick encoded with a beautiful message. Money doesn't remember that you collect fairy's and buy you the most beautiful fairy trinket you've ever seen. Money doesn't come visit you with the goal in mind of treating you to a wonderful week in San Diego. It doesn't join you for your birthday and make you feel special. Money never calls you at just the right moment, it doesn't have the ability to know there's something going on just from the tone of your voice and it won't ask what it can do to help you. I would much rather have friends than money or any material thing.

Anytime I find myself in need or just in want of something, I receive it from one of my friends or a family member. Almost without fail. It's amazing. It's wonderful. It makes me realize that I wouldn't have the happiness I do in my life without my network of friends. They love me and want me to be comfortable, well, and happy. They go to great lengths to make me feel this way and I hope I provide the same for them.

  I am so happy I have put priority on my relationships in life, rather than work. I am so happy to take the energy I have and invest it into my relationships rather than use it for monetary gain. I am not currently physically able to work but when I am again, I will not make the mistakes I've made in the past. My career goals will have to work around my relationships, never again will my friends take the back burner in life. For those friends who knew me when they weren't my biggest priority in life, I want to thank you for putting up with me and doing so much to maintain our friendship when I was so busy with work I wouldn't be bothered to take the time for you that you deserved.

I hope all people who place more value in their life on the money they earn and the job title they enjoy than they do on their friends eventually see how enriching good friends can be. Their value is really beyond measure. 

Take A Hike

I went for a hike on March 31st of last year in the Torrey Pines Nature reserve. I wrote in my journal that the day must have been sent to me from God. I hiked down a small hill on a trail that twisted through the beautiful desert landscape, a dramatic change from the hiking I'm used to in Washington with the huge evergreen trees surrounding you in all directions. The landscape here is less majestic but not less beautiful. I happened to go on the day when the painted lady butterflies were migrating from Mexico to the Pacific Northwest. Something that happens only once or twice a decade. As I walked past the strange shrubs with their unique flowers, I was stirring up storms of butterflies in every direction. It was amazing to see the number of them, thousands I imagine, all around me. I didn't realize until I watched the news later that evening that the butterflies were migrating, I just happened to go during the short period when they move up from the south. It was simply breathtaking. As I headed down the hill the ocean came into view below the cliff that I was on. With the flowers, the butterflies, and now the ocean view, I couldn't imagine this day getting any more beautiful.

The trail is very groomed, even with benches along the way to stop and rest while you take in the view. This is something else I'm not used to when hiking. In Washington, I always tried to find the most remote places to hike with limited access so I could separate myself from the rest of the world for awhile. Solitude in nature has always been a very spiritual and soul feeding experience for me. Something that I crave and need in order to keep my heart and soul healthy. I was worried at this place that I would be interrupted by the masses of other people looking to take in the beauty and connect with nature but luckily, I went on a weekday when most people had to go earn their living so I only passed a couple of other people that were lucky enough to choose this beautiful spring day for a hike.

I walked through the beautiful plants, flowers, and butterflies for awhile until I came to a bench right on the edge of the cliff that over looked the ocean. I sat on the bench and started writing in my journal which is something I usually do during a hike. I happened to glance out to the ocean in the middle of a sentence and saw a pod of whales passing right in front of the place where I sat. I was dumbstruck, could this perfect day really be bringing another wonderful surprise? They where beautiful just passing by in the perfect blue water. I wrote in my journal that I don't think it would be possible to experience so many natural wonders in a few short moments without contemplating God.

For me, the beauty of our planet in it's natural form, escaping the concrete structures that are made by man and entering the world that was created entirely by God is my church. That's the environment that touches me the most and takes me to a spiritual place that I have not found anywhere else. I do have an actual feeling of being filled up spiritually when I personally connect with nature. 

I have looked back on this day very often in the past couple of weeks. I want to go there again but I do not trust my ability to get there and back. On the way down there was a pretty steep bank that you have to get back up. On my way back up, I had a very difficult time, even with the benches that were there to rest on, I had to stop in between them several times on the way back up. I was having a very hard time catching my breath and my heart was beating rapidly. I made it up on that day but I'm not convinced I could today.

It's frustrating having so much less physical ability than I once had. I used to backpack for 4 or 5 days at a time carrying 40 pounds of gear on my back, climbing thousands of feet of elevation. I used to hike up mountains of 10,000 feet, getting to the top with some exertion but feeling quite alive and well when I arrived. Today, I wonder if that will ever be possible for me again. I get frustrated. I have been so frustrated lately that I have sort of gone into give up mode. I am not sure what my limit is so I haven't tried to do much at all for fear of reaching my limit and passing out or having a heart attack. Even just driving up to 10,000 feet wipes me out as I discovered earlier in the year during a trip to mammoth.

I need some natural beauty, a complete escape from concrete and vehicles, where the only things my eye can see are those that God made. I have never been without it for so long and I am aching for a hike, for that oneness with nature.

I am not familiar with the nature preserves and hikes in the area but I really need to find someplace FLAT that I can go and soak in some natural beauty. True natural beauty, completely away from things that man has made. Someplace where I can go for a short walk and arrive at a place where I cannot hear cars or small their exhaust, where people are not all over the place, where the birds and flowers are what I see, hear, and smell. I'm not taking about someplace like the grounds of Balboa park or the trails of the Florida Canyon, I want to spend some time in a completely natural environment. 

Maybe some of you know where this place is or something close to it. If you do, please post a comment and let me know. I'm really craving a little solitude in nature.

Have You Ever Considered the Power Of Your Words?

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me. Who came up with this? A protective mother maybe, trying to give her child some ammunition to fight back with because children were teasing him? Was it a teacher trying to console a child? Whoever said it, I am sure they meant well but they were just plain wrong. Words are so much more powerful than many people give them credit for. Of course the harsh words that children use on the playground are hurtful and the words spoken in anger from parents or from spouses can scar. I remember as a child that there were times I would have much rather been hit than hear some of the things my stepmother so absentmindedly screamed at me but this is not even close to the amazing power words have. They have the power to hurt others yes, but they have the power to do so much more.

Because I have a sort of new age thinking dad, this concept has been a part of my being for my entire life but I am realizing some people have never even been introduced to the idea. they run around using their words without even considering the power they have and the repercussions the use of their words could have for them.

I'm about to share with you a belief that I have that goes to the core of my being. The concept for some of you may seem corny or ridiculous or might sound nice but you'll think it's not really true. Some of you may write me off as being one of those nauseating optimists. Some of you may already accept it to be true but like me, you sometimes forget and allow your words to flow without really thinking.

OK - here's what I'm talking about. Your successes and failures in life are completely based on the words you use. I mean completely, totally, absolutely based on what you say. That's it. That's the only thing that determines your success. Your life, where you are at today is based on the things you have said in the past and the things you say today. Now, I'm not an expert on this, I haven't read the books with all of the statistics but they have been written and I do plan to read them very soon. Like I said, I know this to be true because my daddy taught me when I was very young. He probably doesn't even realize how well he pounded this concept into my being. What he did was force me to say out loud things like "I am not sick" when I had a cold, or "I am going to get a perfect score" when I had a test to take. He would make me repeat whatever it was 5 times out loud. When I was a little kid, I thought this was quite silly, especially when he would make me say that I wasn't sick when my nose was completely stuffed, my throat was on fire, and I was coughing like an emphysema patient. Do you know what would happen after he made me do this exercise? My cold would clear right up, I would ace the test, or whatever else he had made me say would come to pass, just as he had made me say it would. Amazing - or is it? Words really do have power, the ones you choose to use will predict the outcome of what you're talking about. Is this always 100% true without exception? Of course not. Nothing is. This is a general truth that I believe every person should be aware of and do their best to control. I know so many people who do not, so I'm asking if I can challenge you to try it for a month.

It starts with the words that you use when you talk to yourself or more simply, your thoughts. What do you think about the events and your abilities in life? What do you tell yourself about the kind of person you are? Is that little radio station in your head (you control it, by the way) telling you that you are smart and beautiful or is it telling you that you are stupid and ugly? Is he telling you that you are creative and talented or does he say that you have nothing special to offer the world? When you get bad news, does he tell you that you can't handle it or does he tell you that this is just one more challenge that you are completely capable of overcoming? If your radio station is tuned into the voice that tells you you are not a strong, lovely, creative and talented person then CHANGE THE DAMN STATION!It's simply that you've been tuned into the wrong frequency. Now I know this is difficult to do, those negative thoughts so easily creep in. To really see how easily they do, try writing a tick on a sheet of paper each time one does for an entire day and be amazed at how many are there at the end of the day, even if you think your thoughts are positive, you'll see that you really do have a lot of negative thoughts. Try to be aware of them and squash them because your thoughts become the words you speak.  Remember that, your thoughts become your words and while your thoughts have power, your words have even more.

If the words you use when you talk to yourself are all negative then so will be the words you use when you talk to others. The energy you put out into the world will be negative. Let's say you are on a diet trying to lose 15 pounds. If you get up in the morning and look in the mirror, telling yourself that you will never be able to get rid of those love handles, you'll go on through your day and then when you confide in your friend, you'll undoubtedly tell her I'm never going to be able to get rid of these pounds, I just can't do it. If instead you look in the mirror and tell yourself you're gonna melt those pounds off in no time, your friend will probably hear a very different story. You'll tell her that you are on a mission to lose 15 pounds and your are going to accomplish it. This is true with the littlest goals and of the loftiest ones too. We all have dreams and some of them are big, very big. Some of them are so big that we allow the radio in our head to tell us they are not attainable. How will you ever accomplish those dreams if you start out by telling yourself you can't do it? I think many people are much too willing to give up on a dream before they even try it because it would be very difficult and take a lot of work. We simply tell ourselves it's not possible. Where would be be today if Martin Luther King Jr. had given up on his dream because he allowed the voice in his head to tell him he couldn't accomplish it. I don't even want to think about that.

I have a lofty goal, it's an incredible amount of work and difficult to accomplish. When it first came to  me, I did what many people do and dismissed it because it's very big and I allowed the voice in my head to tell me I couldn't do it. For several years this dream has been with me and so has the voice telling me I can't do it. An internal struggle ensued. I decided to squash the negative thoughts and I started using words when I was talking to people that put the wheels in motion for me to accomplish this dream. I started out small but realized my dream is not small, so small words were not appropriate. I told people that I wanted to do it, but wanting to do it is not doing it, so I started telling people I am going to do it and today, I have no problem telling you that I am going to become a nationally recognized motivational speaker. I'm on my way to doing it because I used the thoughts that were telling me I could, to shape the words I used when I was talking to people. Those words that I've used to talk to people have opened up opportunities for me to get on my way. I really decided for certain about six months ago that this is what I'm going to do. I'm not in an extreme rush at this point because first I have to get well (which I will) before I can completely focus on it. In that six months, I have compiled many writings that I will be able to use, I have been published in newspapers and an upcoming book, I have created this blog and have a small following on it. I have recently presented a motivational speech and I have other speaking opportunities being offered to me. I have not pursued them yet because I'm not quite ready but the wheels are in motion because my words shaped my actions. Think about that for a moment. My thoughts shaped my words and then my words shaped my actions.

If you go out and tell someone you're going to lose 15 pounds and you say it with complete confidence then you're going to do it. It really is that simple. Your thoughts become your words and your words become your actions. Your actions determine what happens in your life. If you get a sore throat and you tell yourself you are getting sick then you'll probably tell your friends that you are getting sick and you'll then get sick but if instead you get the sore throat and tell yourself you are not going to get sick, you probably won't even speak the words that you may be getting sick and you'll take some action (I would recommend garlic, olive leaf extract, and astragalus) to prevent yourself from getting a full blown cold.

I do not believe this to be true in every situation, just generally and most people either generally think negatively or generally think positively. Then they speak either negatively or positively. Then the action they take is negative or positive and the results they get are generally negative or positive. We all know that person who is constantly telling us nothing ever goes their way, they just can't get a break, they are very unlucky, the world is out to get them and they are right. Their life stinks, they never do have anything go their way or catch a break, they never have a stroke of luck and it actually does seem like the world is out to get them! Are you this person? If so, please closely examine your thoughts and what you say when you talk to yourself. It could be a major factor in the way your life is going.

I know I'm getting a little long winded here but I want to make one more point. I hope I have been able to show you that your thoughts become your words and your words become your actions but I want to help people understand that their words can affect others as well. I'm not only talking about the words you say directly to others but the thoughts and words you use regarding others. Thoughts and words have an actual energy. That energy can be very powerful. Please be aware of this, not only in your own life but regarding others as well. If you are speaking of an extremely ill person, there is a big difference between thinking and saying he's not doing very well and thinking or saying he is doing the best that he can. It may not seem like a big difference but it is. When you say he's not doing well, the energy is negative, saying he's doing the best he can sends out more positive waves of energy.

I want to share one personal example regarding this. This is just one example. Now once you read this, I command you to instantly forget it because too many people cannot control their thoughts and I do not want any of you to put any energy into it. There are many people who already have and I'm not happy about it. Myelodysplasia turns into leukemia 30% of the time. I have had several people remind me of this since my myelodysplasia diagnoses. Most of them strangers who think they have knowledge about my situation and I guess they think they are helping me by saying these words. I feel like they are putting an energy out there with regard to me that I did not give them permission to put out. I actually become very upset when people do this. Remember, I honestly believe words have enough power to affect the outcome of things so when people say things like "You know, myelodysplasia becomes leukemia a lot" I get furious. One person actually called me recently, having finally just done a little research about myelodysplasia and told me I HAVE leukemia. I actually had to debate with this person about it. I would prefer that someone go through my purse without permission than to speak these kind of words without any thought about the power they may hold. That's how strongly I feel about it. Now, I have completely squashed this from my mind and I have decided that I will be part of the 70% that does not have this outcome so I am not worried about it coming to pass but I do believe that since I told you this, you could decide it will happen to me and then tell your friends, and they could tell their friends, etc. and that may generate enough energy to actually affect the outcome. So, right now, forget I told you this. Do not speak to me or comment about it in writing or any other form. Do not mention it to your friends or even give it another thought.

I shared this with you because I so strongly want you to understand the potential your words can have. I could spend all afternoon telling you about the things that have come to pass in my life because of the thoughts I had, the words I used, and the actions they caused me to take. For me, most of those things are positive because since I was a little girl, I have understood the power that words hold but there have been times in my life as well when negative things have happened because of my thoughts, words, and then the actions or inaction those words guided me into. Do you choose to think this glass is half empty or half full. I will tell you half full every day of the week, and you may hate me for it. Some people actually think it's cool to be negative and will always choose that path. I will never understand them, they've created the painting called their life and it's dark, blurry, and disturbing. I've never been able to appreciate that kind of art, yet it is art, it was created. You do create your own painting of your life with the choices you make. You can choose to see the glass half empty or choose to see it half full. What would the painting of your life look like right now, would it be positive and uplifting or dark and depressing?

I am going to close with one of my favorite poems for those of you who may not see your potential or are afraid to let it shine so the thoughts and words you use do not allow you to accomplish the things you could if you made a serious effort to change the radio station in your head.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frighten us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brillant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

Attraction

I was showering this morning and I started thinking about the things that attract people to each other. There's the primitive general attraction of women to big strong men and of men to curvy child bearing women but it goes deeper than that. Each of us has very specific things that can really add or detract from our level of attraction to another.

One of my things is long hair. Men with long hair get a closer look from me. They could be the bad boy type, the intellectual type, the computer geek type, it doesn't matter I love ponytails. Dickie has awesome hair.

Another thing for me is hands. I hate small hands on a man and when I was dating there were men who might have been really goods guys that I never gave a chance to because they had little girly man hands. A man's hands have to be big and strong. I loved Dickie's hands as soon as I saw them. He has big meaty fingers and one of them is crooked, it was love at first sight. My dad has big meaty fingers and strong, mangled up hands. Could that be why I'm attracted to those kind of hands?

I have no idea what draws me to the next item...bellybuttons. I just love bellybuttons and some are better than others. Dickie's is the best ever. I won't describe it because he'll get embarrassed but it's a good one.

So I was in the shower this morning thinking about all the weird things that people are and aren't attracted to. What makes one man love legs and check those out first and another go for breasts? What causes some men to be obsessed with the curve of a woman's neck and others to have a burning desire for the perfect foot. Why do I like bellybuttons so much?

Hands can be a deal breaker for me, what other weird things are deal breakers for other people? Why are we attracted to what we're attracted to? Is it biological or environmental?

Well, I didn't put much more thought than that into it but I did have fun thinking about all of the things that attract me to Dickie and I wondered about some of the things about me that have made men more or less attracted to me. Do I have a certain feature that has ever been a deal breaker for someone? I was on a date with a man one time who told me I would be really pretty if I had dark hair and brown eyes, I don't know if that was a deal breaker for him because after that comment I didn't wait around long enough to find out.

Irritability

I'm finding among the list of symptoms my disease causes, that irritability is the one that is recently causing me the most concern. I consider myself a very nice person. Recently though I find myself losing all control of that nice person and this evil, horrible bitch takes over. I find myself losing my tongue with people who really don't deserve the wrath I inflict on them. I don't even realize I'm doing it until I see the wounded look on these poor people's faces and even tears welling up in their eyes. What am I doing? Sure it's okay to get a little irritated at incompetent people, or to want people to be accountable for their mistakes but I have been going beyond simply letting people know that I'm a little frustrated. For example, I made reservations at a very nice eating establishment months ago for my 30th birthday. When I made the reservation, I was not told I would be restricted to a limited menu due to the large size of the party. The woman called me early this week to firm up the reservation and at that time told me there was a "group menu" my party would need to order from. I was upset as I am not happy with the choices on the group menu. Instead of just telling her this, I went into a crazy woman tirade. Here's what I said:

"This is fucking ridiculous, why didn't you tell me two months ago when I initially made the reservation that I couldn't have what I want for dinner on my 30th birthday. This isn't just any birthday, I have terminal cancer, this could be my last birthday and you're ruining it. I hope you feel good about that. The fact that you didn't tell me this to begin with has caused me not to be able to reserve an alternative location in time and now I'm not going to be able to celebrate my 30th birthday the way I want. I want lobster, possibly for the last time, and you're telling me I can't have it, etc, etc."

This poor woman was so devastated by what I said that I'm sure she was on the brink of tears. Now, had I simply said that I was not happy with the group menu options, I would have learned that I can customize my own group menu. I did learn this after I ripped this woman a new one and quite possibly ruined her entire day. Who am I to pass this burden of mine onto poor innocent people? Especially in such a vile way? I called that woman a couple of days later and apologized to her and she did tell me that I had in fact caused her to feel badly that whole day, not because of my rudeness but because of my situation. It is not for me to blame others or force others into carrying my pain. I was very distraught that I did this to this woman and it's not the fist time I have done this to some poor unsuspecting person. People do drop the ball and it causes me aggravation, this does not entitle me to unload my situation on them and make them feel like horrible people. I've dropped the ball many times in life, causing others inconvenience and aggravation.

My phycologist recommends anti depressants which I am not willing to take. I think a deep breath will do the trick, as long as I am able to recognize this bitter bitch coming out before I lose my tongue.

Pursuit of Happiness

It seems that everyone is in pursuit of true happiness. This means something different for all of us. We seek that feeling of overall contentment and a calm satisfaction for what we have accomplished. One person’s goal is for ultimate beauty and another’s is for the ultimate car. Some may think that the ultimate job title or power over others will bring them the happiness they seek. Some people may think that money is the key and work endlessly in search of it. Many people think that finding the perfect mate will fulfill their needs. Some people have given up on the entire idea that being happy is possible, for so many people have wronged them and they have insurmountable obstacles to overcome.

I feel like I live in a world where I watch people moving around in high gear, passing each other without even saying hello so they don’t lose focus on their goal, so they can finally find their happiness. I watch people who are determined to be miserable because of all of the obstacles that stand in their way. The parents who didn’t give them the right upbringing, the imperfect body that they own, the money they need to earn to afford a new car, the other people who want the same job title, the powerful people who tell others how much power they have. I see people with health that is diminishing and youth they are losing.

As I watch this I wonder how many of them really understand that tomorrow is a blessing, not a guarantee. I wonder how many beautiful views they don’t take in and how many roses they don’t stop to smell. I wonder how many people they have been unwilling to forgive and how many they have been unwilling to let in because they aren’t willing to take a chance on someone new. I wonder how many laughing babies they don’t notice. I wonder how often they pass up an opportunity to help someone elderly or disabled. I wonder how often they pass up an opportunity to spend time with the people they truly love because they have to work or work out or go car shopping.

I feel sorry for these people, working so hard to find happiness. They spend their lives in their office trying to get the next dollar, the next promotion. They spend their lives in front of the mirror or at the gym trying to achieve the perfect body, the perfect beauty, even more extreme they go to the surgeon thinking they can change their nose and this will somehow bring them the happiness they seek. They spend their lives angry at the people in the past that put them in the situation they are in, who caused them to be so unhappy. They spend all of their time trying to find and attract that mate.

So many people believe material things, power and the things they can get from other people will make them happy. So many other people believe the obstacles they face are too great and happiness will never be in reach. So many blame others for their unhappiness and seek revenge or just aren’t willing to forgive.

One of the greatest things I’ve learned is that happiness does not come from material things or achieving the perfect look or gaining power. Those people who seek happiness through these means will never find it. If you believe you can achieve happiness from the things you get from another person, you will not find it.   

It is in giving, not acquiring and taking that happiness is found. It is giving of yourself and your time to your loved ones and the experiences you have with them. Happiness comes from within, it is a choice. It is in accepting that no matter how hard you try, you’ll always be flawed and then forgetting about it. Happiness comes from forgiving those who have hurt you and reacquainting yourself with that person again. It is in letting new people into your life and sharing your love with them even at the risk of being hurt. It is in seeking out places where you can help others and then doing it.

I wonder if a meteor were headed towards earth and we all only had one week to live, what would people do? Would they choose not to believe it and continue on as normal? Would they try to meteor proof their homes? Would they accept the impending tragedy? If they did accept it, then what would they do? Would they still just continue on like normal for lack of knowing what else to do?

Think about it for a moment…you only have one week left. What is the first thing you think of? Are you thinking about the car you own, or never got to buy or the television you just bought or the fat on your thighs? Or, are you thinking about the people you love and the relationships you have. Are you thinking that you want to spend as much time with them in the next seven days as you can?

It is so difficult to imagine that tomorrow may not arrive; it scares most people so they are not willing to consider this very real possibility. I wonder how different people’s priorities would be if they lived each day as if it were their last. Would they skip the gym a little more often and have a sinfully delicious meal with a dear friend instead? Would they decide not to work the weekend and try sailing for the first time? I think it is unfortunate; our fear of death, so many put the idea completely out of their mind. If we live with the knowledge that it’s really a short life, we would have stronger families and much more enriched lives.

These are just my opinions, please do not take offense. I have come to this conclusion because of health issues that they say will significantly shorten my life. I used to be one of those people rushing around in pursuit of happiness, thinking it would come with beauty, status and money. This illness is a blessing because if I didn’t accept my impeding death, I would still be out there, not living life. I would be going through the motions seeking things to make me happy that may do so in the moment but would ultimately leave me unfulfilled.

While I may not have as much time as I’d like, I have been given the gift of knowing that each day and even moment is a wonderful gift. I can enjoy them all to the fullest and I have learned to choose to be truly happy in life. I have found that it is the experiences I have and not the processions I acquire that make me the happiest. It may be presumptuous to assume this is true for everyone but as I watch the world around me, I find that that the people I encounter who are really out there experiencing things rather than acquiring them seem to have a much brighter spirit and laugh the most.

This message I am trying to share is not new, many people before me have shared the same ideas through literature, poetry, song, and other means. It’s a message I feel is worth repeating because so many people live each day for tomorrow, forgetting to live today.